Boston, MA — Yesterday, a landmark summit was held in the deserted Stwest dining hall to open negotiations between Northeastern and the Goose Liberation Army (GLA). A cessation of hostilities had been called for by the GLA, and they met with King Husky II to discuss peace terms.
Students have been found crossing the border on an almost daily basis, occupying goose territory before being driven out or captured. Many goose citizens fear for their safety as students flex their puffy goose-filled jackets. Conversely, the GLA has been accused of trying to bring Measles back to campus. Upon reaching out to one goose soldier for comment, I was instead invited to “Go honk myself”. After notifying him that my body was still recovering from Destroy Dick December, he quickly apologized and added,
“Though we may engage in a bloody conflict with each other, we cannot do so without a degree of civility. The Goose Liberation Army respects the students who do not wear those accursed jackets filled with my kin, and we want to show our support for their goodwill with these perfectly safe, non-biohazardous, CDC brand blankets for the coming winter.”
Reporter’s Note: Despite the many prejudices leveled against the geese and their tactics, this reporter must remark on the comfort provided by these blankets, and the everlasting warmth that my now inflamed eyes and throat give me.
Earlier this month the GLA ambassador, Henry Kissengoose, put forth a message of unifying the entirety of the Fens under the Goose Liberation Army. This would mean a historical alliance between the GLA and the Goosejahideen, an extremist wing of the Fens, who claimed responsibility for the closing of Chicken Lou’s in April and the radicalization of domestic ducks to their cause. Kissengoose called for negotiations to open with Northeastern University, offering safe passage to students through the Fens, in exchange for occupancy of ISECs 4-6.
King Husky II, however, ruffled feathers when he arrived late to the summit in a Gold-lined Canada Goose jacket, with no intentions of meeting the demands of the ‘long-necked seagulls’, as he referred to them.
What was initially a professional debate setting soon devolved into almost unintelligible honking and barking. I interviewed the chief translator at the summit, hoping for a more precise transcript. He had this to say:
“Of course they’re honking and barking, they’re animals. What do you mean you can hear them? Are you on drugs?“
I was, but it hadn’t seemed relevant. The following morning, members of the GLA occupied Stetson West, thus ending the ceasefire, and have since renamed the complex Northgeestern.
President Aoun was called on for a swift response, however he was too busy trying to figure out how to charge the geese tuition.
