Pictured: Cannon luring his children into his loving arms. Credit: adam.the.creator
Rapper, self-proclaimed Christian, and serial Baby Daddy Nick Cannon is expected to have his 11th child in the coming months, and his 12th child soon after. A study by data science student Reeke Hurshen revealed that by 2040, Cannon will have 1,086 offspring. If even a fraction of them decided to make music, suicide rates would skyrocket. However, we still seemed to have underestimated his sexual prowess.
Health Science major Lang Khanser extracted the DNA of over 18,000 Northeastern students, and the results revealed that an astonishing 94% of students have a direct relation to the Wild 'n Out superstar.
After being lied to their whole life, students were shocked to hear that their real father was Michael B. Jordan from Wish. Cannon, who claims to live by the motto of “Family First,” was nowhere to be seen during Family Week. Protests ran rampant throughout campus, demanding Cannon explain himself and his absence. When he finally responded, he showed no mercy: “I ain’t saying sorry for giving you the gift of life,” he exclaimed as he waited outside the labor room. “That being said, I know y’all missed me.”
As a form of compensation, Cannon has shamelessly volunteered to teach a 4 credit Sex-Ed course that will satisfy 11 NUPath requirements, one for every child of his. The course will train students in the mythical arts of seduction, culminating in a “final performance” judged by the master himself.
Faculty members are in the midst of designing the course to meet the needs of Cannon. Course materials will include sex toys, bottles of lube, and condoms, with an out-of-pocket cost of $987.69 per student. However, Cannon has advocated for removing condoms from the list, deeming them unnecessary.
In the midst of public outrage, President Aoun released a statement regarding Cannon’s proposal:
“After careful consideration, we are moving forward with the development of SEX6969. Northeastern values experiential learning, exploring all nations, cities, and erogenous zones. As Huskies, it’s only right we learn the Art of Rawdogging”.
On the bright side, Spring 2023 will feature a long-awaited family reunion. Cannon will finally have the opportunity to meet his beloved children and get closer to them.
Perhaps a bit too close.
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