Boston, MA - It’s a tale as old as time. Northeastern students come to Boston bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to stick it to the man. No more Fox News, confederate flags, or long-winded rants about the so-called liberal agenda. (No, Uncle Christian, taxing the rich does not mean “the economy will fall prey to intersectional feminism.”)
Finally, a space to converse with like-minded individuals about the intricate nuances of class struggles and the dream of a socialist utopia. Or so they thought.
As it turns out, Northeastern University has designed a system so sinister that students often find themselves questioning their most cherished values: The Co-op Program.
As students start to receive their first few paychecks, the true extent of their beliefs are tested.
“Maybe being a cog in the machine isn’t so bad?” says Sofia Ocasio-Cortez, a Keynesian Economics major who now regrets legally changing her last name. “I can afford to reward myself a little, and I always have the direction of my projects set out for me instead of constantly stressing about the capitalist implications of the subject matter.”
When asked why she was so quick to change her mind, Sofia scoffed.
“We’re heading towards a climate catastrophe anyway. When it all goes to shit, I want to at least be drinking Chardonnay instead of that fucking hand sanitizer they serve at frat parties.”
Other students seem to have similar sentiments, as evidenced by the growing number of third-years leaving the College Democrats to join the newly-founded Anti Labor Union Collective. Plans are also underway to schedule the first annual March for Mark, a traditional pilgrimage taken by students to honor the humble beginnings (and six-figure EFCs) of Harvard and MIT's billionaire alum.
In fact, many members of the Northeastern community have begun worshipping the same business moguls they used to despise.
“So what if Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk built their empires on the backs of underpaid employees in legally questionable working conditions?” says sixth-year entrepreneurship major Don Orparents, currently pursuing his eighth co-op. “The numbers don’t lie. I’ll gladly take on a 70+ hour work week if it means there’s even a chance that the company’s CEO will connect with me on LinkedIn.”
And so, the cycle continues, as the drone of ten thousand 4 AM alarms can be heard every morning from even the furthest of freshman dorms, whose residents, for now, lie blissfully unaware of how brittle their morals will soon become.