Huntington Avenue (HH) - The Marino gym center has suspended towel services after being struck by what experts are calling a classic case of serial towel chewing.
“Until further notice, towels will not be available, and you will have to wipe your sweaty forehead against the wall,” said a Marino employee who wished to remain anonymous to avoid the creatine-induced wrath of their supervisor. “We apologize for the inconvenience, but do ask that you limit yourself to three wall smears per gym session. Leave room for others.”
The Marino Center has seen a 670% increase in chewed towels this month, forcing employees to scramble to find replacements, a difficult task in the current economy. “Inflation and supply chain issues have hit us really hard,” said a source in the Marino accounting division. “You used to be able to buy ‘em in bulk at the Fenway Target for $4 bucks a pop, but now they’ll set you back $15 for a single small towel! If things don’t turn around, we’re looking at a significant student activity fee increase next fiscal year.”
The Marino Loss Prevention department typically allots for a certain amount of towel “shrink” every month, but the current spree has far surpassed all expectations. It was recently reported that the Marino Center has hired an independent towel auditor to find the source of the problem.
“At first, I suspected organized crime,” said Dr. Walter Cloth, the lead investigator. “But look at the bite marks on these two towels; they’re all the same pattern. And forensic analysis of residual saliva also found traces of the same pre workout on each sample.”
“Therefore, I can conclude this is the work of one man; a master criminal; a serial muncher.”
At press time, the Marino gym is now requiring a Husky Card and a mouth swab before entering the facility.
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