Boston, MA — Several students were caught hosting a large gathering in Ryder Hall last week in violation of NU’s social distancing guidelines. While an absolute rager with booze, bimbos, and bongs might seem like a reckless social event, some are claiming the event was actually an academic endeavor.
“This wasn’t a party,” said Craig Halpin, social chair of Sigma Alpha Iota Lambda. “It was actually an experiential learning opportunity for us to bolster our purple Well-Being Dimension for our SAIL 360 Profiles.”
“We were actually required to throw this large gathering for academic purposes,” explained Sigma Alpha Iota Lambda president Olivia Sharpe. “So many of our professors now mandate the use of SAIL that we had to bolster our Well-Being Dimension in order to pass this semester. With so many Well-Being events canceled or restricted due to COVID-19, we had to create our own opportunity.”
“Look, I know we broke a few rules, but I really had to do cocaine in order to pass this semester. All four of my professors grade us on our SAIL profiles, and this was the only way to boost my purple Well-Being Dimension enough to pass,” said Phyllis Mason.
“Yeah, I had to have unprotected sex with a stripper for the sake of experiential learning,” echoed Stewart Owens. “Getting a rare French STD was a huge win for my Global Mindset Dimension. I know there’s a pandemic, but this was an academic necessity to strengthen my SAIL profile.”
The creators of SAIL declined an interview but provided a brief written statement: “While we do regret the use of our app as a bioweapon, there is nothing more important than one’s SAIL 360 Profile. Anyone who breaks the rules in the name of SAIL will receive a full pardon, membership in Sigma Alpha Iota Lambda, and a SAIL student ambassador position.”
