Boston, MA—In their latest bid to build an android army, the creators of SAIL have launched a new student testimonial video.
The video stars Kali Scuf, a second-year communications major, and the first student claiming to be using SAIL voluntarily. Her safety is now the subject of growing concern.
In the video, Kali Scuf appears to have her hands bound behind her back, and a bright, red laser beam can be seen pointed at her chest throughout the entire interview. The camera crew seemed concerned, repeatedly interrupting the filming to ask if she was alright.
“I’m definitely okay,” replied Kali Scuf. “I’m totally using SAIL voluntarily, and I’m certainly not being forced to do this at gunpoint. Only 99% of my GPA is based on how colorful my SAIL honeycomb is, so it’s not like that’s driving my decision at all. And even though they’ve taken my family hostage, I totally would have used SAIL anyway!”
Several other points in the interview were particularly concerning. Kali Scuf began sweating and shaking when asked if SAIL was useful.
“Is SAIL useful? Of course! It’s great for not failing classes that mandate the use of SAIL, or not dying when you’re forced to promote SAIL at gunpoint, and it’s perfect for making sure the creators of SAIL don’t murder your family, who they’ve taken hostage!”
The Husky Husky team downloaded SAIL to check Kali Scuf’s profile to look for any clues as to her safety or whereabouts. After days of intense vomiting from the unpleasant experience of downloading such an ungodly service and weeks of figuring out how the “completely intuitive” platform works, we found some disturbing news. All of Kali Scuf’s moments on her SAIL profile were titled “Propaganda Session,” “Brainwashing,” or “Mechanized Army Development.”
Our team at the Husky Husky now fears for our safety after uncovering this disturbing news, but we have hidden our families in a safe location where the creators of SAIL would never dare to venture: an economics class on the sunk cost fallacy. We will continue to brave through these dangerous conditions to bring you the truth about this wretched platform.
