Breaking: New Husky PAC will lobby the fuck out of SGA

Image for Breaking: New Husky PAC will lobby the fuck out of SGA

Aoun takes a healthy payout for his services

Well folks, this does it. The SGA has gone too far this time.

This Monday, the SGA blocked our WONDERFUL referendum to put SAIL in Jail, harder than Mitch McConnell blocking our stimulus checks. Despite having (presumed) widespread support amongst the student body, parliamentary skullduggery was utilized to leave it dead in its tracks. 

We briefly considered storming the SGA offices, but high demand for confederate flags and tiki torches has made them prohibitively expensive. Plus, bludgeoning an NUPD officer to death might not endear holdouts to our cause. 

So we’re pleased to announce the Husky PAC(K), a political action committee (k) dedicated to lobbying the ever loving fuck out of the SGA until our every last demand is met. We can’t buy those Nazi flags, but we can buy your senators.

That’s right, we’ll bribe every last senator until the entire council is on our payroll and we become the Senate. Those who do not comply will be wiped out in primary challenges, and those who survive will not be able to function with the boot of our legislative authority on their neck. 

Their well compensated “constituents” will hound them outside their dorms, in their classrooms, on their Zoom calls, and all the way down Huntington Avenue to make their displeasure felt. They’ll suddenly find their NuGo apps mysteriously malfunctioning, and a suspicious number of their COVID tests will come back positive. Try sabotaging our resolutions when you’re stuck in the COVID gulag, bitch.  

And if that doesn’t work, we’ll hire a gang of roving transfer students to institute year long martial law, and the entire Senate will be marched through the tunnels to secret disciplinary tribunals, where they will be summarily executed. We’re still working out the details with Marjorie Taylor Greene, but we’ll give you a hint. It’ll involve Aoun, and a lot of pain. 

We’re a little tilted.


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