Boston, MA – The Reddit speedrunning community at Northeastern has experienced record growth recently. While some people are training in categories ranging from crossing bridges to buying Cheetos at Wollaston’s, the true athletes have begun racing for the fastest time to take a corona test.
The first few runners were total noobs, going in the middle of rush-hour and ending with times upwards of 75 minutes. Fucking normies.
After a strenuous day of training, someone managed to break the 15 minute mark by showing up at the ungodly hour of 8:00 AM to get the first appointment. But since he wouldn’t shut up about it everyone’s trying to show up at 8:00 now. After that, almost a week went by with minimal changes. A few students managed to go under 14 minutes by doing the test on the run and throwing their swab at the proctors as they raced out the door, but after that was when things really started to ramp up.
A group of true memelords realized that the biggest issue with the testing times was waiting in line before getting an identifying label. In order to overcome this, they jerry-rigged the AC units near the entrance to spread their immense B.O. and wore their gas masks in as their peers stampeded to escape. This managed to bring down times to 8 minutes.
The new strategy caused the competition to get even more intense. As some of you might have experienced recently, there are proctors that take ages to initiate the sacred nose-swabbing ritual! Trimming down the time was crucial, so the top three speedrunners decided to get them hooked on adderall ahead of their tests to make them faster. This led to the first sub-5:00 run last Tuesday.
The most interesting speedrunner of all is Richard Vicary, the current record-holder. Richard has devised the most efficient method yet: by contracting corona, he received access to the exclusive testing center for symptomatic students, allowing him to evade the normal lines and procedure. While no speedrunner since has been able to beat this time, Richard won’t be able to take on any future challengers, as he has been banned from campus for “snorting cough residue off of the local hospital’s ER door”.
