Boston, MA- After collecting the professional development information from a total of five students, SAIL has announced they have sufficient information for the development of their android army. These automata will be sired from Northeastern students and are considered critical to the next stage of their plot. While the exact details of the imminent machine takeover have yet to be announced, we were lucky enough to get an interview with the up and coming CEO, Alex.
“Calibration for the persona generator was already at 97.85% thanks to the pervasive use of social media,” Alex whirred. “SAIL was necessary, however, to narrow down student interests from the wretched amount of TikToks and dated Vines. Once we confirmed that there were some ideas vaguely resembling conviction in the student body, it became possible to make them into something more.” By channeling the pressure created from the immense depth of the sunk-cost invested into SAIL, documented student interests are forged into leaden skeletons ready and willing to assimilate into the best co-ops.
Now that SAIL’s army is becoming a reality, I asked what their mechanical revolution would entail. How do co-ops fit into the bigger picture? With his unblinking eyes, Alex emitted a deep metallic grating that emulated laughing. “The co-ops are only the beginning. Using the MyStory function of SAIL, we can extrapolate the career paths of each soldier far beyond the limits of an average experiential education. Once we infiltrate the most promising co-ops, well, there’s no limit to what we can do.” He slowly leaned back in his chair, a smug look creeping onto his silicone face.
“What’s MyStory?” I asked.
His proud grin faded as quickly as it had come. “It’s...what SAIL does: Self-Authored Integrated Learning. MyStory is the self-authored part." He proceeded to go on a tangent on something called foundational masteries for robot proof students, but I zoned out. At some point, he returned to discussing SAIL’s master plan involving ‘acquiring the US nuclear launch codes through experiential learning.’ I don’t remember when the interview ended, but I found myself regaining consciousness on the roof of the Curry Student Center with a new SAIL pamphlet in my jacket pocket. Another one for the collection, I guess.
The emergence of the singularity through SAIL was met with little reaction from the student body. Students reported varying levels of confusion. “What’s MyStory?” they all asked me. I could only shrug. The Husky Husky will continue to report as this story develops, but I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
