Boston, Ma - I wake up in cold sweats and toss and turn in my bed for hours without a sliver of sleep. No, it’s not the caffeine pills I took to get through my Engineering Ethics lecture or the corrupted rementats of my sleeping schedule after 14 months in isolation, it’s something much bigger. For the past year or so a burning question has been stuck in my head, a question that now threatens my very sanity.
What the fuck is Yammer?
This all started about a year ago for me. I’d forgotten the password to my Onlyfans account and had to check my Northeastern email for a recovery key. That’s when an email popped into my inbox, the subject read “Northeastern University on Yammer.” Now, I deleted the email as my muscle memory moved my fingers in the same way l had many times before. After all, nothing important gets sent over email; it's all just spam and empty threats to “Join Sail or die”. But for some reason even after I deleted that “Northeastern University on Yammer” email I could not stop thinking about it.
As days went by and I was greeted every morning with an outlook notification on my phone “Northeastern University on Yammer” I grew impatient. I needed to find out what this “Yammer” thing was. Was it like Parler but without the racism? Or maybe like Twitter without the cancel mobs. Maybe it was a new Reddit where people didn’t sound like fedora wielding neckbeards in every comment. I just needed to know. But, rather ironically, I could not be fucked off to read whatever was on the email. To make matters worse my hands deleted emails faster than Hillary did before she left office. This left my inbox spotless, free of Northeastern spam emails, but took a toll on my mental space.
By this point months of agony had gone by, I woke up every day to the same thought “What the fuck is Yammer?” Is it like SAIL but worse? Maybe Facebook without Minion memes? I simply could not figure it out and in case Yammer was a super cool trendy thing I was supposed to be on I didn’t want to ask anyone about it.
By this point I’m too scared to ask someone what Yammer is. I’m sure Aoun will have a big press conference someday to reveal that not even he knows what Yammer is. After all, I can’t be the only one who looks at their inbox and thinks “What the Fuck is Yammer?”