Boston, MA – Mere weeks ago, we discovered the plans for a giant NUZeppelin. This big boi balloon has just finished construction and is currently gearing up for aerial combat in the Boston skies. Aoun will be personally commanding the armada of balloons and drones from his luxury suite, and has put us in charge of procuring supplies in exchange for this exclusive article.
We are obviously going to be loading up some fuel for the engine: our tuition dollars. Not as good of a cause as going into Aoun’s pockets, but burning money is a once-in-a-lifetime felony that not many can experience and we couldn’t pass up the chance.
Now that we’ve ensured we’ll be able to fly, we need to get some food to sustain the army of minimum-wage students manning the NUZeppelin. We sourced the absolute best quality slop from the top-rated local gulag, and each spoonful will be offered for a single meal swipe!
NU student Felix Cutler said: “I mean, it’s definitely disgusting, but hey, at least it’s not from Stwest!”
After making sure everyone got their weekly spoonful of slop, we had to get the most important things: weapons! As any self-respecting zeppelin aficionado would know, in order to achieve our aerial dominance we’ve dreamed of for so long, we need to arm ourselves with a variety of armaments, including: harpoons, tar barrels, boiling oil, trebuchets, bazookas, and slingshots.
The slingshots in particular will be helpful when we cause BU students to lose the little brain function they have left as we rain down pennies of doom from the skies above their campus. Even with an accuracy of 1%, a single NU student’s tuition is enough to massacre the entirety of their student population.
We suspect they might attempt to retaliate by throwing frisbees and paper airplanes at us, so we have engineered a pattern for our drones to fly in that will serve to confuse and distract them: Aoun’s face. They will be so overwhelmed with Aoun’s sheer greatness relative to that of their President Brown that they’ll simply faint and fall to the ground, realizing the magnitude of the mistake they made by not just committing seppuku when they found out BU was their only option.
