Against all odds, Northeastern’s robust reopening plan managed to prevent a COVID-19 outbreak on campus. But in a surprising turn of events, campus will be closing for the rest of the semester due to an unexpected measles epidemic.
Social distancing guidelines proved effective against the coronavirus, but they could not stop a rare strain of the measles. Fortunately, this strain is not lethal, but it does induce a heavy amount of vomiting (about the same amount of vomiting that accompanies the use of SAIL). No one is quite sure how this strain formed, but some scientists believe it originated in the Fens geese. It appears they spread the virus everywhere when they took over a deserted campus.
We interviewed the measles to learn more about the situation.
“Yeah, everyone counted me out in January. People only freaked out for, like, a day, and then suddenly all people cared about was coronavirus. That’s all they talk about! So I decided to swoop in for the comeback victory and show them the measles is still a big name in the infectious disease game. I hope everyone shuts up about corona now. Aoun better put me in his book!”
The girl who contracted the measles in January is now in protective custody after a mob led by tolerant NU Facebook groups tried to scapegoat her for the most recent outbreak.
“Look, I know I got the measles. But that was nine months ago! And it wasn’t my fault—I was vaccinated twice! Honestly, being labeled as an anti-vaxxer is way worse than having the measles was. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it out alive if NEU Gigs doxxes me.”
Students are hoping to return for the spring semester if a treatment is discovered, but word on the street is that swine flu is looking to challenge the defending disease champion as well.
