Boston, MA- Northeastern has updated their plans to reopen campus in the fall with a new phase: a campus-wide purge.
The announcement, which was posted at 4:12 am on Monday with no alert to the student body, is the most recent in a series of town halls and email updates which refuse to address anything of substance. The HuskyHusky connected with the administration for comment.
“Really, it’s the only logical thing to do,” said an anonymous representative from Northeastern’s administration. “Without a bit of murder, we would never be able to financially support the university and have an active student presence. This way we can get students on campus and keep the numbers down.” When asked why they thought a controlled massacre was the best option, our interviewee could only shrug. “Fewer people alive on campus means less infection. As an added bonus, we ensure that our campus has only the best and brightest students. But, don’t worry! We will be providing baseball bats and nails free of charge at UHCS!”
While an active campus is a concern for many students, some worry Northeastern is going about this all wrong. “If you ask me, it’s just plain lazy,” 8th year environmental scrutiny major Brad Collapsin told us. “The execution isn’t well-thought out, even for Northeastern standards. I mean, a website update? They didn’t even tell us the dates! The clean up! The proposed infrastructure! How are we supposed to ensure equal access and opportunity for students? Are we expected to manage these brutal murders ourselves? Ridiculous.” At time of publishing, Brad had started a change.org position advocating for NUreform to the NUpurge.
Other students have taken to Reddit to give their two cents, “I like it,” posted u/anarchysleftelbow, “it gives us freedom to finally give those uppity N.U.in students a good ol’ whacking.” Other users expressed distaste at the thought of violence against other students. “How can they expect us to do this when we can’t raid the local breweries near campus? A girl can only channel so much sober rage, ” said. u/xx_aounlover69_xx. The ensuing thread suggested Northeastern annex the surrounding bars and spirit shops to involve them in the NUpurge. Those businesses were unavailable for comment.
The Husky Husky will continue to report as the situation develops. In the meantime, it is the perfect opportunity to brush up on your batting skills and cement your alliances.
