Grad Student Union Gives Up After Pizza Party

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In a shocking turn of events, a group of Northeastern graduate students have decided against unionizing after the university threw them a pizza party, complete with several toppings and a variety of soft drinks.

The grad students, who had previously been concerned about low wages, inadequate healthcare, and poor working conditions, had been organizing and signing union cards for years in an effort to join the United Auto Workers due to their experience with grad students at other universities. However, as soon as the university got wind of the students' plans, they took swift action, and within a few years sent a strongly-worded email to help them make an educated decision about the dangers of trade unionism. When that failed, they realized they would have to take drastic action and ordered some pizzas.

During the pizza party, university administrators respectfully addressed the students' concerns. They explained what a union is, how they might have to give this union their money, and that despite what they may have heard, they are in fact not auto workers. They also assured the students that they did not need a union, as the university was committed to working with them to address their concerns.

"I was all set to vote for the union, but then they brought out the pepperoni pizza," said grad student Pete Zapitsa. "I mean, have you ever tasted anything so delicious? I knew right then and there that these were good people who had our best interests at heart."

“I now realize we’re like a family here,” explained John Papas, another grad student, “Involving a third party in our education would impede the flexibility and creativity that creates unique individualized experiences”

In response to the news, labor relations experts pointed out the cleverness of a pizza party being used to protect workers from forming a union. “While it may have worked in this case, it is important for workers to remember that the real issues will still be there after their one slice of pizza is gone: they should have at least demanded some ice cream! Perhaps they could throw a cheeseburger party or a cupcake party in the future to address future workplace concerns.”

NUpdate: Turns out there’s enough pizza left for everyone to have a second slice. The communists don’t stand a chance!


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