Boston, MA – Recently the Northeastern administration has created an advisory board for our very own NUPD. In the months since its creation, this board has talked to students, NUPD officers, and the community. However, they decided it would be best to listen to the group that has, by far, the most interaction with NUPD: Greek Life. To create the swiftest change possible, they have relinquished complete control of NUPD to the Interfraternity Council and the Panhellenic Council.
The frat bois and their sorority sisters have held a press conference to detail their plans for progress. While there were many loud belches and hiccups we have since edited out, here is what we could decipher from their drunken ramblings.
Chad – “Yo! I’m Chad Johnston here representing kappa delta pi theta gamma or whatever the fuck our name is. Greek is hard. Anyway, we have a few changes we are making to the NUPD to help our school stay chill.”
Becky – “Well, like, obviously we are stopping all drug-related investigations. We totally can’t have NUPD stopping our rocking parties during Corona or we won’t be able to chillax after a super cute day of binge-drinking.”
Chad – “That’s exactly right Becky. It’s essentially a hate crime to stop us from getting black-out drunk in a cramped room. I almost got accepted to a decent law school so you have to listen to me on this one.”
Becky – “NUPD is also known to have escort services to get hammered students back to campus safely. That’s a fucking disgrace. The walk of shame for the geeks ugly enough to be unable to find someone to hook up with for the night is necessary and if it puts them in danger so be it.”
Chad – “Instead, we are now requiring NUPD to only escort unlabeled containers of vodka – I mean, water, directly to our parties where we are totally distancing. They are not allowed to tamper with the bottles because they might dilute our righteous booze with their weak ‘Rona.”
Becky – “Finally, we noticed that some of you beta-cucks haven’t been attending our first few parties. What the fuck is up with that? You come to college to learn or something?!? Fucking prudes. Probably can’t even down a gallon of beer in under a minute.”
There was a planned Q&A section but upon us asking how they could reasonably expect NUPD to go along with this they sicced their drunken mob of students and NUPD on us, and we had to flee before it was too late.
