Boston, MA - Earlier last week reports came pouring in from the Suez Canal that a cargo ship had run aground and completely blocked the waterway. It was initially presumed that the Fens Geese were responsible. However, that assumption was quickly dismissed as there are no geese in the Suez Canal. The latter discovery prompted a full investigation which found it was a Northeastern co-op and not the geese that caused the incident.
After extensive investigation, 3rd time Supply Chain Management co-cop Michael Kao was found responsible for running the Evergreen vessel aground. Kao has put out a statement that expresses he is “really sorry” he fucked up the world economy. Here at the Husky Husky, we have procured a copy of his statement.
“I’m really sorry I fucked up the world economy. It wasn’t on purpose at all! I’ve just had such a tough time recently. When I told my grandpa I wanted a hands-on co-op in the family conglomerate I was thinking he would put me in an office to sign some papers and write emails.
I guess my grandpa misunderstood and instead made me a ship captain for one of our largest vessels. It was fun the first few days since I had great Instagram material. We even got to draw a penis using the ship’s GPS. But when I was handed the wheel I panicked. I thought I had it but instead, the ship went out of control. I was so scared that the ship would sink so I called the family helicopter to rescue me. It was jarring to be evacuated in our luxury helicopter. The flight attendant had to offer me a glass of champagne to calm my nerves. I've never had my learning be so experiential.”
Micheal Kao is currently being investigated by OSCCR for gross negligence but it is speculated he will be cleared of all charges as he has expressed he is “really sorry” in addition to donating an undisclosed sum to the ISEC IX fundraiser.
UPDATE: The vessel is no longer stuck in the Suez canal. It is estimated the damage caused by this incident totals up to $59BN - equivalent to 3 semesters at Northeastern.
