Boston, MA — It is a scene many of us in the Northeastern pickup basketball community have unfortunately witnessed. A team of players dressed in casual sportswear getting absolutely destroyed by opponents dripping with the finest sports gear that money can buy. Thomas “The Shooter” Williams is a regular at Marino who usually wears Ross clearance fits and complains about the disadvantage. “It really sucks when I’m trying to play ball, but the guy I’m defending bodies me and 360 tomahawk slam dunks in my face thanks to his Off-White sweater and Balenciaga butt plug.” said Thomas.
Studies conducted by researchers at the Husky Husky concluded that players who sport more expensive gear do perform better. They score 600% more points and 690% more assists on average. “I just score more,” said Will Chung, who mentioned his rotation of FENDI shooting sleeves he wears on the court and averages 50 PPG along with 7 RPG and 40 APG. When we asked another player about his opinion on this outstanding stat, he replied “the games only go to 21, that doesn’t even make sense!” This goes to show that the wealth disparity issue reaches far beyond the game: it also breeds an environment that is hostile to journalism.
Another related issue that many in the Marino community mentioned was the fact that the fits do not even look good. It seems like players care more about flaunting their wealth than actually looking good, leading some players to consider many fits “eyesores”. “How you gonna pull up to the court in Air Force 1’s and a bucket hat?” exclaimed Thomas.
Many solutions have been proposed to tackle this issue, but players are split over the right course of action. “Just go to Neiman’s Copley and get good, it’s like a 10 minute Uber” said Will, who believes everybody should just wear better clothes. This stance has come under fire from advocates who state that most people cannot afford the gear and suggest game-changing alternatives instead. “If the fit costs more than $350, the person wearing it should be on my team because I always have to get off when I lose and I want to stay” said Thomas, citing the outstanding 95% average shooting percentage of dripped up players from beyond the arc and other fantastic stats.
