DogHouse and Pep Band Sued for Emotional Damages by Hockey East: “They’re Just Too Mean”

In a recent press release by the official Hockey East Athletic Conference, officials stated that Hockey East is suing the Northeastern DogHouse and the Northeastern Pep Band for “emotional damages.” According to Hockey East’s media team, this action has been “a long time coming” and is “necessary to protect the mental and physical well-being of [their] athletes and personnel.”

“They’re just mad that their referees suck ass,” a DogHouse representative said in response.

Northeastern hockey fans have a long history of being–as some would say–“hot, aggressive, and classless.” “YOU SUCK!” can be heard from Gainsborough to Wentworth. Opposing teams’ goalies are likened to a kitchen strainer, and berated when they let a puck in (it is all their fault, after all). Fellow colleges are called safety schools, Sunday schools, and–in the case of UConn–“an absolute piece of shit.” Players are frequently called ugly, usually without the DogHouse even seeing their faces.

“Some people just give off an ugly vibe,” a DogHouse member said. “And usually, those people are wearing a Boston College jersey.”

The Pep Band is just as passionate as the DogHouse. Utilizing strength in numbers, almost any off-handed cheer will quickly multiply into a group of forty-something voices echoing the sentiment (e.g., yelling MINE MINE MINE MINE like a pack of rabid toddlers who haven’t learnt to share yet when the puck is being fought for on the ice). Then, they’ll play a pop-rock song from the early 2000s like a jaunty taunt from above.

“There’s a point where enough is enough,” a Hockey East representative said. “Since when did they add Lay All Your Love on Me to the lineup? The Pep Band should not be able to wield the power of ABBA. If I heard Gimme, Gimme, Gimme play after I was sent to the box, I’d give up.”

“Being told you’re ugly by hundreds of your peers hurts,” a goalie from an undisclosed team said. “It broke my heart and ruined my weekend. I still pause by my mirror every morning to wonder, am I really that ugly?”

“How did they find my mom’s name?” A player from a neighboring college asked. “How dare they bring my mom into this? Is this related to that Stacy’s Mom thing?”

In response to the accusations, the DogHouse has doubled down.

“We’re actually planning to countersue for deformation,” a member of the DogHouse said. “If Hockey East is so soft that they can’t take a few decibels of college insults, then they don’t deserve to be in charge of a conference. Boston University doesn’t even know they have a women’s team, it’s not like us yelling ‘fuck BU!’ at them is worse than that.”

The Northeastern Pep Band is also doubling down on the claims of harassment.

“If anything, we should be meaner,” a clarinet player said. “They’re just acknowledging that they can actually hear us down there. Maybe we should be louder with our insults.”

“We should add more ABBA,” a trombone player added. “Watching someone limp off the ice to ABBA does inspire a feeling of emotional damage.”

A statement has yet to be received from Hockey East following these charges.