Northeastern Asks Hockey Players to Escort Students on Campus After Forgetting to Salt Sidewalks

Boston, MA - Northeastern officials had regrettably forgotten to salt the road before Friday's storm brought sleet and icy conditions to the Boston campus. Early risers report desperately fighting for their lives, allegedly scooting their way across campus. 

To fix their oversight, Northeastern allowed professors to meet with their classes virtually on Friday, February 4th. Most professors happily held their classes over Zoom, exempting a select few who still have not figured out how to start a functioning Zoom call five academic semesters into the pandemic.

Students who had used up their excused absences only three weeks into the semester were traumatized by the icy paths of the Boston campus. They took to berating Northeastern's Instagram, pleading with the social media intern to take care of the ice. One commenter even accused the university of “emotional terrorism.” The intern succumbed to peer pressure on the spot and unionized immediately. 

President Aoun personally begged Northeastern's hockey teams to help students out after reportedly stalking his institution's Instagram page that day. Fortunately, the hockey teams answered his prayers, laced up, and got to work herding packs of students to their classes. 

The sight was beautiful, and President Aoun wished he had been on campus to see it. Unfortunately, Aoun was stuck in his Cancun mansion during the storm and couldn't make it to the campus to manage the crisis. Classes returned in-person as usual on Monday morning, releasing the hockey teams from their civic obligations, just in time for freshman goalie TJ Semptimphelter to cause an absolute upset at the first round of the Beanpot Monday night.