Cabot Pool, Boston- Northeastern’s club water polo team has recently come under fire from animal rights groups over alleged horse drownings during practices and games. According to Cruelty Free Northeastern, the equestrian steeds, used to play polo in Cabot pool, have been drowning at an alarming rate with over 28 new deaths in the last two weeks. Even more alarming is the revelation that over 90% of club sports funding goes to purchasing new horses– many of which have been purchased from a horse and puppy mill owned by Russian oligarchs.
“Such senseless cruelty and a waste of university money!” said student Anna Malover in an interview outside Cabot. “Why don’t they just use butt plugs on their horses to keep the water from leaking in?”
“I mean, why do they even use horses?” asked another student Harry Azkrak.
Goalie Clorin Bauls responded, “Do you guys even know what polo is!? It's the sport with HORSES! How are we supposed to play water polo without horses? Treading water? That’s ridiculous!”
Bauls continued furiously, “It’s not like the dead horses are going to waste anyway. Last time we stopped, Steast had to go vegan for a week.”
The Husky Husky quickly confirmed this claim. The drowned horse corpses are butchered and served to students at the Stetson East dining hall to keep prices under $30 per swipe and contribute to the university’s sustainability efforts. While the secret ingredient may be cruelty at the hands (and occasionally feet) of lycra-clad psychopaths, the barbecue horse ribs and mac-n-cheese are just too good to give up.
In an effort to regain the trust of Northeastern’s student body and overcome recent troubles in getting new horses, coach Dick Taetor announced the team will replace horses with fens geese as they swim better and have a natural lust for violence. Before answering any questions, the team and their horses proceeded to the fens intent on capturing some geese. May God have mercy on their souls and Speedos.
NUpdate: A glorious naval battle ensued, during which 3 more horses were lost. The team was otherwise successful against the vile waterfowl that have terrorized our campus for years. BU club water polo does not stand a chance now.
