Boston, MA - The D’Amore-McKim school of business has announced its latest and greatest addition to the university curriculum. This completely new course, FA 1501 aka “Functional Alcoholism 1501” centers around teaching students the fundamentals of being a high-functioning alcoholic. Functional Alcoholism 1501 is being offered to business students as part of a pilot program but the university administration has plans to roll out the course university-wide by Fall 2021.
“It has come to our attention that 97% of students had more than 2 open bottles of Vodka in the background during zoom meetings” said a staff member of the D'Amore-McKim school of business. Seeing as some students still have yet to leave their homes since March of 2020, many have turned to alcohol as a way to cope with the isolation. The Northeastern administration commented that after asking the math majors to crunch some numbers, they had come to a conclusion. It’s cheaper to teach everyone at Northeastern how to be a functional alcoholic than to refer them to OPEN. “Treatment and rehab cost money, becoming a functional alcoholic does too but is much more fun than rehab,” said Sean, a 7th-year business student who recently enrolled in the course as part of a pilot program to iron out the final details of the course.
The course leads have said that FU 1501 will teach students the basics. The course will offer a broad introduction with topics ranging from how to get away with drinking at 10 AM by calling the meeting an “early brunch” to casually slipping a couple $100s at a traffic stop to avoid getting a DUI.
Details on the course are not set in stone yet as the course is undergoing a pilot program in summer 2 before being rolled out university-wide in the fall of 2021.
