Boston- Arriving at Stetson West at one am for the third consecutive night, undeclared freshman Sophie Langley drunkenly stumbled into her dorm with no intentions other than missing her 10:30 a.m and blaming it on her “brutal” twelve credit schedule. Tottering over to the mirror for that night’s fifth and final selfie, she might have glimpsed something flickering in the nearby window, but thought nothing of it.
But when she switched off the lights, and turned to the window, she was met with a horrific sight. Standing there, in all his glory, was Joseph Aoun- all 68 inches of him. Raising his finger at her and uttering an ear piercing shriek, Aoun snapped a photo of her, and scampered off into the night, leaving nary a trace of his presence, save the traumatised freshman.
At a press conference early next morning, Aoun introduced to the student body what the young Sophie had already been privy to: the implementation of a new program called NU Aoun Sights You. “I’ve had enough of snotty freshmen asking for photos every goddamn time I step out of my ivory tower,” Aoun told approximately ten thousand students and faculty outside Krentzman quad. “Calling me a meme, saying you want to have my children, asking me when I’ll let your families out of my lair? I mean, some of you little shits really think we’re equals!”
Pausing for a brief moment to personally manhandle some hecklers shouting nonsense about “privacy” and “rights”, Aoun continued on with his proclamation. “Anyway, I’m turning the tables. Over the course of the next month, I’ll personally be assembling a collage of compromising photos of every student on campus. I’ll get you at your most vulnerable moments, and you’ll never see me coming. “
“You could be coming home late after getting absolutely shitfaced at Mission Hill, or right in the middle of stuffing your faces with crap from IV like the disgusting swine you are. I might even snap some shots in Cabot while you’ve got a swab up your nose and your mouth dangling wide open. What’s for certain is you won’t be pleased when you find that the new 4 by 5 inch student IDs I’ll issue, which you must wear around your necks at all times, will include all these photos. Each and every photo will make it into my database, with which I shall do whatever I please.”
Aoun went on to describe the harsh punishments awaiting anyone who attempts to evade him. “Of course, no one seriously believes they can hide from me forever, but should anyone get any ideas about delaying me, I will be most displeased. Those misguided persons will find themselves locked out of every building and hissed at by faculty as they pass. I have personally ordered NUPD to beat the living shit out of anyone not wearing their new Husky ID, or who doesn’t show up on the Aoun database. You have been warned.”
However, Aoun ended the conference explaining that the program would not apply to N.U.In students, citing his utter fear of Brett Josphe, of whom he is “scared shitless”.
