BOSTON, MA– In an alarming community email sent out last month, Northeastern University alerted students to a requirement that will be in place for the Fall 2021 semester. “Beginning in the fall academic term,” the email read, “all students will be expected to have been shot by the first day of classes.”
Many assumed this was in reference to vaccination against the COVID-19 virus that has disrupted this academic year, but they were disabused of that notion as they read on. The email explains that every student, from undergraduates to law and doctoral students, must show proof of having had a loaded gun fired at them in order to come back to campus in September. The rest of the email details this policy, including exemptions and best methods for acquiring shots. Interestingly, part of the email was also written by the US Army, detailing “exciting career development opportunities overseas”.
In terms of exemptions, students medically registered as without corporeal forms will be allowed to forgo the shot, as will those who have at least partially transcended the physical plane - i.e. enlightened beings and standard ghosts. According to the email, this exception is in place to address concerns about equity of access, as students who have abandoned their bodies in favor of untethered spiritual existence have reported extreme difficulty getting shot in the past.
This requirement has, of course, drawn national attention. The National Rifle Association was quick to give its support, saying in a press release “This is an excellent step for public health. If bullets belong anywhere, it is in the students of this fine nation. The only thing stopping a bad guy with a bullet inside him is a good guy with a bullet inside him.”
The Bullet Makers Association of America also gave its support. “The true pandemic is the amount of unused bullets in the country. We hope other schools follow suit, so that together we can fight the true plague in this country, which, again, is the amount of bullets that are not being shot,” read the organization’s latest statement.
Even the estate of former president John F. Kennedy weighed in, tweeting “The people of Massachusetts have a proud history of getting shot.”
