Northeastern University has the highest number of Brita owners per square mile in the state, maybe even the country. So what happens when the Brita breaks? Unless you make the brave decision to boil your water or the even bolder play to drink from the Northeastern™️ reusable piss bottle, you’re already on the road to dehydration.
In order to get a better understanding of this agua ache in the ass, I traveled to sewers. Most Northeastern students find themselves in the tunnels eventually, but in their rush to get home to their forced triples, they often miss something quite crucial: A creaky old elevator with cardboard flooring and decaying rat droppings, otherwise known as the entrance to the Northeastern sewers.
When I exited the shaft (lol) and looked down the hall, I spotted a shadowy figure seemingly encased in fur. As I walked closer, a faint light shone upon the face of a tired Aoun as he watched over a group of feasting golden retrievers. He seemed more drained than in his photos, and wasn’t wearing his usual borderline exhibitionist trench coat that I had heard rumors about. My attention turned back to the now fully visible suit of fur that seemed oh-so-familiar.
Paws. It was Paws’s suit. Suddenly, it all made sense. I couldn’t think of a single occurrence where I had seen Paws and Aoun in the same place. The pieces slowly started to come together. “YOU’RE PAWS??” I exclaimed, blowing my cover. He looked at me intensely before opening his mouth to speak.
Now the details of the conversation that followed are [REDACTED], but there’s one thing that you deserve to know:
Paws isn’t real. Let that sink in.
The only truth in this sorrowful existence isn’t even real.
Those sewer dogs, they’re ALL Paws. Northeastern does more than citywide gentrification, it also runs a nationwide puppy pyramid scheme. If you, a dog, bring three other dogs to the university sewers, then you get 10% of Aoun’s own testosterone-infused dog food (if you ever thought Paws was on the “roids”, you were right).
While we wait for NSETA (Northeastern Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to uncover more of Northeastern’s horrible secrets, let's take a moment of silence for the Paws of the past and the Paws of the future. They may grow old living a lie in the most disgusting sewers known to man, but they served the Northeastern community well. Now go make sure that your Brita doesn’t need a new filter.
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