Introduction:
Our most devoted, die-hard fans may have noticed that we recently revamped our application and have begun recruiting a slew of new writers, designers, and social media managers. Though every inquiry on our intricately crafted Google Form is essential for our evaluation process, there is one that stands out firmly above the rest. What is the question in question, you ask? Well obviously, it’s the one we saved for last.
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Joe Rogan, Seth Rogan, Dennis Rogan.
Background:
For the uninformed, FMK is a game typically played by prepubescent middle school boys who just learned about the concept of being intimate with a lover. The rules are simple: players are given the names of three individuals and are asked to decide which they would fornicate with, which they would wed, and which they would murder in cold blood. Answers that don’t line up with societal standards of attractiveness are typically mocked and belittled, but here at The Husky Husky, we don’t engage in that type of childish behavior (at least not to our applicant’s faces). In any case, though, let’s learn a bit about the 3 unfortunate souls we have selected for your judgment.
Joseph James Rogan is a 55-year-old UFC commentator turned podcast host. He is known primarily for his abrasive personality, poignant social commentary, and deceptively built physique. This last trait may make Rogan a viable partner in the bedroom, but the first two may make those with little patience wary of having him around.
Seth Aaron Rogen is a 40-year-old actor, filmmaker, and “comedian” from the proud nation of North North America. Some of his most famous roles include the second-best cop in Superbad and the titular talking sausage in Sausage Party. Though Rogan’s dad-bod and warm smile may be a turn-on for some, his goofy nature and juvenile humor may make it tough to stay aroused.
Dennis Rogan is a 33-year-old NFL player who recently signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, likely hoping to ride the coattails of Tom Brady and his deadly right arm. Before joining the big leagues, he served as an all-purpose back for the University of Tennessee, which means basically nothing to 99% of our readers. Dennis Rogan is most certainly the wildcard of this lineup, as he is not nearly as much of a household name as the aforementioned individuals (unless your household is that of a U.T. sorority). However, Rogan’s lack of a public image is just as much a blessing as it is a curse, and his robust, masculine stature strongly implies that he’s got it where it counts.
It has also come to our attention that some applicants may have believed that we were instead referring to Baron Dennis Rogan of the UK’s House of Lords. This should not be an issue, as all of the attributes described above still apply.
Methods and Results:
Through the use of Google’s proprietary survey platform, The Husky Husky’s talent acquisition team was able to solicit responses from a whopping 15 people interested in joining our prestigious publication. Of course, no sample is without its faults, and our’s biases heavily towards Reddit users and students who think they’re funnier than they really are.
However, we believe that our findings truly do speak for themselves (see graph above). In the “Fuck” category, Joe Rogan wins by a landslide, with a whopping 10 respondents opting to engage in coitus with the DMT aficionado. The “Marry” category is a little more contentious, with Seth Rogan barely edging out Joe in a 7-6 split while Dennis trails behind with only 2 devoted suitors. Last, but certainly not least, the “Kill” category is neck in neck, with Joe receiving 6 votes, Dennis receiving 5, and Seth receiving 4.
Discussion:
Truth be told, these results are not very surprising. Joe Rogan’s rugged charm makes sleeping with him an experience that is craved by many, but his unpredictable and sometimes explosive nature could result in him being troublesome as a long-term partner. Seth Rogan is the type of man you can only really imagine shagging in missionary, but at the end of the day, that consistency is nice to have when you’re in it for the long haul. I’m sure his jokes probably become endearing too after hearing them enough times. As mentioned earlier, Dennis Rogan is a bit of a wildcard, and I’d venture to guess that many applicants opted to kill him off simply because they did not know who he was. This was certainly not helped by the fact that the name referred to two distinct (yet shockingly similar) individuals. However, it is worth mentioning that Dennis Rogan’s relative obscurity may appeal to those who don’t enjoy being in the public eye.
A staggering 33% of applicants also selected the same person for all three answers. We here at The Husky Husky are very disappointed in these individuals for compromising the integrity of our otherwise serious and impeccable study, though we do admit that we found it pretty funny.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, dear reader, we thank you for coming along on this journey and hope you found our analysis to be insightful. We will, unfortunately, be retiring this question from our application once this article is released to the public. However, don’t fret! We’ll replace it with something even better. What will it be, you ask? You’ll have to apply to find out!
