This week in the sky has much to offer us. There was a full moon on Sunday the 16th which means that you should check up on all your werewolf friends. They might need a little extra TLC this week as they recover from the stress of a full moon. Mercury enters Libra on the 10th which means all the annoying people in your life will not know when to shut the fuck up. And we finally got out of Pluto retrograde on the 8th which means we can all die in peace now. Great!
On October 23rd, we will enter Scorpio season, so it will finally, finally be sexy time! Happy (early) birthday Scorpios! On October 25th, there’s going to be a new moon in Scorpio (also a partial solar eclipse!) so the feeling of existential dread will really hit at the end of this month! But is that a real difference from how an average college student feels on the daily? And finally, on the 30th, Mars will go retrograde in Gemini so it’s finally time to give in to that urge to be the nastiest skank bitch ever. Regina George is quaking in her six-inch Louboutins at the thought.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Happy birthday, dear Libra! I know you’ve waited the entire year for this. Throw on an iridescent party hat, pop some pizza rolls into the microwave, and celebrate! And then once you’re done celebrating, watch a video or two explaining how to file your taxes. Time keeps going and so does the IRS, so you might as well get ahead now while you’re still young. Tax fraud is not as fun as everyone makes it out to be (personal experience) and April is sooner than you’d think. Like that guy from Hamilton said, if you’ve got skin in the game, you stay in the game.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Well, Scorpio, you’ve done everything you could. You liked that guy from your high school’s sixth Instagram post of the week. You held the door open for the several people coming out of Marino. You even asked someone how their day was. But no matter what you do, you can’t shake it. You hate people and that will never change. And you know what, nobody blames you. People do suck. Don’t change a thing, Scorpio!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I know the truth, Sagittarius. You’ve been faking it. How do you even do it? How did nobody catch you for so long? Faking motion sickness in order to sit in the front seat on long car rides every time? That’s despicable. Truly evil, if you ask me. Do you understand how terrible it is to sit in the back for a six-hour car ride? Well, I’m sure you do, that’s why you’ve been doing what you’re doing. Sagittarius, you’ve truly betrayed me. Phoebe Bridgers was right, you’re giving me emotional motion sickness.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The future is bleak, Capricorn, and the fun part is that you can’t do anything about it! You must simply sit in uncertainty and watch the world unfold in any which way it decides to. The serendipity of life will plow forward, never taking you or anyone else into consideration. So my only suggestion is: stop trying! Nihilism is in, and cynicism is sexy! Reject tradition, embrace modernity! Or something like that. But why am I wasting my breath? You probably already knew that, Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Everyone may have hated your idea of a chocolate-flavored hard seltzer, but keep pushing, Aquarius! Keep wearing those wack-ass Wright Brothers-esque bowler hats. Eat your Hawaiian pizza proudly. Wear a Hawaiian shirt every day! Hell, go to Hawaii and get within a 100-foot radius of an exploding volcano! Nothing is stopping you! You may be a weirdo, but that’s why everyone loves you. Or whatever you want to believe.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They may call Pisces the fish, but that’s only because you need to watch out for fish. I’m serious, do not eat any fish, do not look at any fish, do not interact with any fish whatsoever. Avoid any aquarium, any seafood place, and any river. Which… may make living in Boston hard. But I stress: avoid fish at all costs. The fish are out to get you and only you, and you need to start preparing for the fish attacks now.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When you say, “I know a spot,” Aries, please do not take me back to the weird rock in the woods behind the abandoned elementary school again. I know that people do blood sacrifices there and four people died, but not everyone is into that kind of stuff. I know you love adventure, but can’t our adventure just be hitting the Huntington Five Guys to get a strawberry milkshake for once?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
My dear Taurus, you need to take a break! You have been overworking yourself by criticizing sushi restaurants on Yelp, tweeting about how Lorde’s Melodrama changed your life, rewatching Outer Banks (even though we’re all over that by now), and planning out your outfits for class tomorrow. Order yourself a pizza, put on Blades of Glory, and take a nap. Which is what you usually do on a Tuesday night, anyway. But self-care, right?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, you may have been feeling down these past few weeks. The weather is getting colder, the sun is setting sooner, and the food at the dining hall is starting to drop in quality. You may also think your love life is absolutely hopeless, but fear not! Your sleep paralysis demon is looking hotter and hotter by the day. Why bother with humans when you can date your own hypnopompic hallucination?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What I think you need, Cancer, is to touch some grass. You’ve been so caught up with the upcoming election, what people are Tweeting, and the state of the planet Earth as you know it. Go outside, sit in the sun, maybe eat a vegetable or two, and enjoy the universe for what it is: a miserable, chaotic mess that you have the absolute pleasure of living in. The world is your oyster, Cancer, so go out and carpe those diems.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I told you to stop eating paper, dear Leo, yet you still keep doing it. No matter how “nutritious and delicious” you say itt is not healthy for you, it is not digestible, and it is not food. I get it, when you get bored and hungry in class, there’s no other option besides paper. But can’t you just be normal for once? Bring a protein bar for a snack and stop eating looseleaf.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
How many people do you truly think enjoy your company, Virgo? And how many people do you think are paid actors in the Truman Show-like plot encompassing your life? Think back to the past few weeks. How many seemingly random events do you think were staged by the directors of the show? The kid who held the door open for you at Curry was paid $400 for that appearance. Is your roommate’s Under Armor bag product placement? Is Northeastern just a poorly designed movie set? All I’m saying is be careful and watch out for [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS].