IV Forced Quintuple (The Husky Husky) - There’s nothing quite like Boston in the fall: the cool breeze, new beginnings, old friends, and Orange Line shuttle buses stuck the wrong way on a one-way street make this time of year truly unforgettable. Of course, with all those new beginnings come a slew of questions on the r/NEU subreddit from freshmen trying to land on their feet.
As a reputable, facts-first media outlet, we felt it was our duty to put our seasoned insight to use and clear some things up. Join me and our special guest stars BA-NA-NA, Pinkfreud, and Merch Twink for “Questions from the Reddit, Fall 2022 Edition” because there are no stupid questions, only stupid freshmen.
u/ChallengeFriendly822: “Just moved in and my roommate won’t talk to me but is using my fridge without my permission. Advice?”
BA-NA-NA: Is your roommate fucking in your fridge? Buck naked, Brita up the butt, little fridge door swinging back and forth? Is your roommate pissing in your tiny freezer, then sucking on his frozen piss as he monkey-squats on top of the fridge? Or is he just storing his food, like a normal college roommate? Gain some perspective. You’re 18. You own nothing, and you will be violated. Sharing a fridge with a stranger isn’t a big deal.
u/MSI-Guy: “Any other F1 fans on campus?”
N.U.inmate: Yes! In fact, we even do live reenactments with Zipcars at 2am if you wanna join us.
u/anymsous_mispell: “Is it more difficult to get an out of state co-op? How does housing work?”
N.U.inmate: Is it difficult? Not really - after all, most people outside New England don’t actually exist, and the ones that do will assume you misspelled “Northwestern” on your resume, instantly boosting your credibility.
Housing is fairly straightforward: once you get Michelle Wu’s permission, you’re free to leave city limits, unless your train out of Boston breaks down/derails/catches on fire/gets abducted by aliens, in which case you’re out of luck. Now comes the easy part: finding accommodations in your new city. Just live at your family’s closest vacation home or have your parents buy you a condo. See? I told you it was easy! Sensitive as I am to the ongoing crisis in Ukraine, if your parents’ riches are currently under United States sanctions, contacting your co-op coordinator for guidance may be your best bet.
u/Incel999: “What is the best way to approach girls on campus?”
Merch Twink: You’re going to want to assume the “alpha stance”. Point your toes inwards and bend your knees slightly. Cover your hands with your sleeves, curl them up, and bring them close to your chest. Shuffle up to your lucky winner. Speak very clearly, and give a loud, confident “exsqueeze me?”. This is a great conversation starter, and an amazing way to portray yourself as the sexy, mysterious type.
u/Neu4592: “Does anyone know what times chem central offers help?”
N.U.inmate: Chem central? You mean the RVs outside the South Bay Target? Seems like a weird place to go for help, but they do know a thing or two about chemistry. They’re usually there between 3-6am - I’d go early to beat the crowd.
u/Presence-Hour: “Sorry if I’m dumb but is this real?”
N.U.inmate: is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landside,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see…
u/pillowthoughts04: “Anyone else feel like they’re the only lonely souls at Northeastern?”
N.U.inmate: Ya know, I feel that way sometimes too, but
I'm just a poor boy,
I need no sympathy,
u/jeffreywangcf: “Fall 2022 semester disappeared?”
N.U.inmate: I guess you could say it’s
Easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low
u/Affectionate-Owl2210: “music practice rooms?”
N.U.inmate: Be creative! You can hone your musical talents in Centennial, Ruggles station… even in a Husky Husky article (see above)! Alternatively, Holmes Hall is a decent spot to practice. Come to think of it, I sent a pelican case with my equipment over there a little while ago… I wonder what happened to it?
u/americaman1819: “So I have 5 meal swipes left over, will anyone get mad if I go to outtakes and stock up on chips and drinks?”
N.U.inmate: Using more than two meal swipes at once used to be a federal misdemeanor under 49 U.S.C § 332(a), but the statute was deemed unconstitutional by the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals in the 2006 case United States v. Freshmen with Unlimited Meal Plans. So legally speaking, nobody can “get mad,” though they may judge you for taking 18 individual Monster Energy cans and the whole contents of the snack shelf in one go.
u/nitehawk39: “Computers on campus?”
N.U.inmate: The possession or use of computers on campus is strictly forbidden. Violators may be fed to the Geese.
u/Jaber1028: “How to add Oculus Quest 2 to wifi”
N.U.inmate: Good question! It’s pretty straightforward: First, power off your Quest. Next, you’ll want to create and install a modified copy of Arch Linux. Once you’ve done that, please complete CS3700 Networks and Distributed Systems before you continue. Connect your laptop to NUWave and reroute all your network traffic through a text-to-speech program, then set your volume all the way up, configure your Quest to decode the spoken zeros and ones, and voila - wifi. Side effects may include explosive frustration with your Quest, VR, and Mark Zuckerberg in general. Do not attempt this method in or near Holmes Hall.
u/Sk4doodle: “Anyone pursuing Master’s in Robotics?”
N.U.inmate: Yes! Unfortunately I haven’t caught one yet, and I think they’re on to me…
As much as I would love to do more full-length answers, that paper you have due at midnight isn’t gonna write itself, and it’s getting kinda late…Lightning Round™ time! If you think the bomb references are getting gratuitous, fear not - there’s more where that came from.
u/sallyrooneystan2021: “How to Quit Weed For Co Op”
Pinkfreud: Try fentanyl. Worked wonders for my weed addiction.
u/dumbledore’sleftnut: “What happens if I miss my RA meeting?”
Pinkfreud: You legally owe your RA 1 kiss on the cheek.
u/safaribrowserram: “Tips on biking?”
Merch Twink: www.wikihow.com/Ride-a-Bicycle
u/Itchy-Independent-40: “Indians on campus”
N.U.inmate: Multiple sources have confirmed that there are, in fact, Indians on campus.
u/SomeHaoleGuy: “Places in and around campus hiring?”
Pinkfreud: I think the bomb squad is looking for new Coops.
u/aamirislam “Is there a club for sex?”
N.U.inmate: Applications for The Husky Husky can be found here
u/aamirislam “Is there a club for incels?”
N.U.inmate: Applications for The Husky Husky can be found here
u/00787078007800080078: “Clubs/sports that meet on weekends?”
u/safaribrowserram: “How much should I be spending on food/eating out (not on meal plan)?”
BA-NA-NA: Square root of whatever your gorgeous step mommy makes, bitch!!!
u/Incel999: “I’m starting my own night club in my dorm room. Any girls wanna join? The club opens at 8pm on Saturday.”
u/haythamjsalameh: “[Need Advice] Should I be stressing about this?”
u/disfunction6363: “CS 3700 (Networks) Discord?”
u/emm2733: “Fabric arts club?”
N.U.inmate: No, but I can do some art in the fabric ;)
u/hockeytm: “Social clubs that aren’t Greek life?”
N.U.inmate: Italian life. Join the mafia.
u/eruuc_: “Huntington YMCA vs Back Bay BSC?”
Merch Twink: One is considerably more fun to stay at than the other
Another year, another fall, another Reddit article. I hope you learned a thing or two, because I certainly did. We even managed to cram in references to not one, not two, but three songs. Whoever asked the music question, you’re welcome. My Freddie Mercury tribute act practices on Tuesdays if you’re interested.
Before we know it, this crop of freshmen will be settled into their routine of classes, clubs, and depression-induced alcoholism, at which point I will have to come up with original content again. This time of year is as precious as it is brief, so enjoy it while it lasts.