The following transcript is a BPD officer’s firsthand account of a Friday night on Mission Hill.
[12-03-2021]
To whom it may concern, I am logging notable events and thoughts of the night below, as is required. I feel a bit like a gutless wonder, but this is a new directive from the commissioner himself. This journaling is supposed to decrease aggressive tendencies, though I’d argue that my body camera footage speaks for itself.
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The Northeastern freshmen are out in force. If their baby faces and white sneakers don’t give them away, the herds they travel in certainly do. Packs ranging from 15 to 50 have made the long (and loud) trek from campus to the Hill tonight. They have made sure to distinguish themselves with Northeastern apparel, as to not be associated with inferior schools, or mistaken for adults.
In one instance, an eager male began engaging in “parkour” on a construction site. I can only surmise that this was done to impress the two girls in his group. It seemed to have the desired effect, as his 5’8 manlet stature no longer impeded female attention. Said girls were later seen running from the boy. We haven’t yet been able to discern why, but I suspect bad parenting may be involved.
My partner and I would’ve intervened, but another incident quickly caught our attention: 10 freshmen shotgunning PBRs on someone’s driveway. Clearly confused by the label of “beer” on their cans, the students began acting drunk after finishing a ten dollar 12 pack. The congregation eventually moved on, but left a few stragglers behind. These poor souls ended up getting their pockets picked while passing out. It was quite a spectacle; experiential learning at its finest.
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Recently, drunk jaywalking in the area has gotten worse, so we have been ordered to keep an eye out for potential offenders. Unfortunately, it seems to be everywhere, so there is little we can do. With the drivers in Boston being the worst in the country, one would think that a couple dozen kids would be taken out every now and then. This could help with our country’s intelligence problem, and with Northeastern’s housing issues. I brought this up to the BPD commissioner and he solemnly agreed. “Too many damn cameras,” he sighed. Whatever that means.
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Apparently, gender ratio has been a cause for volatile encounters outside of frat houses. A Mission Hill study found that groups with a higher ratio of girls to boys are more likely to gain entry into parties. Men, outraged over this inequality, have begun to wear booty shorts and show their midriffs. While not an effective strategy to date, it has made Northeastern a great ally of the LGBTQ community.
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I just witnessed a girl with a sharpie maniacally chasing a dog. When stopped for questioning, the girl insisted that the dog was Queen Nefertiti, and she her loyal husband Pharaoh Akhenaten. Paws is ruining these kids. Needless to say, I’m turning in for the night.
Fucking furries.
