Boston, MA – In a joint project with the City of Boston, Northeastern has announced its intention to upgrade the existing elevator in ruggles. Press releases indicate SpaceX, designer of the $3.6 billion Falcon 9 rocket, will be leading the project. Officials note that the designer intends to take inspiration from the futuristic rocket when constructing the elevator. SpaceX states their team is fully committed to the 2030 deadline and assures the project will stay within $300 million of the $200 million dollar budget.
Recent comments from The Office of the President suggest that the groundbreaking elevator will save Northeastern students hundreds of dollars in commute time, “We have too many tuition dollars lying around. We also noticed BU has been upgrading its elevators to the Platinum Plus model. Thus, we decided to build a proprietary elevator that will be better than every elevator at BU”.
Additional comments from Northeastern executives highlight the three other project finalists. Those include constructing ISEC 7, gentrifying Roxbury, and redesigning the Statue of Liberty into the far more attractive Joseph Aoun.
We connected with Lead Engineer Elon Musk to learn about the logistics of the elevator. Currently, engineers plan for the elevator to accelerate to the speed of sound before instantaneously stopping. This will induce micro concussions in riders, a strategy proven to increase complacency. Furthermore, ride times will be reduced by 3%. When asked whether it will be able to accelerate to the speed of light, Musk emphasized that manipulating the space-time continuum would bring unnecessary complications to Northeastern brainwashing practices.
Our research suggests Northeastern students are incredibly excited about the future of the elevator. However, CAMD student and fourth year Finger Painting major Jeannette Reed comments, “This is such a waste of my tuition. What the fuck are we going to do with this elevator? Does it cure cancer?”. Comments from Musk confirm that the elevator will, in fact, cure cancer.
Closing remarks from Musk indicate that absence of a namesake will force him to name the elevator “☹︎︎♋︎︎■︎︎♋︎︎ ❒︎︎♒︎︎□︎︎♋︎︎♎︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎”, apparently nerd code for “Lana Rhoades”.
Officials report that Aoun is desperately searching for said namesake. Potential donors include Northeastern Alum Bill Gates, the real name of the el chapo guy (El Chapo), Ruggles Dollah Lady, or anyone else willing to donate several hundred million to have their name plastered on a sign.
