BOSTON, MA - The Northeastern University Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced this morning that 25% of the incoming Class of 2024 enrolled at Northeastern because they thought it was the Chicago-based Northwestern University. While this group usually makes up a significant portion of the freshman class, it has never risen above 20%.
For virtually the entire history of the two universities, a number of students intending to apply to one have erroneously applied to the other, realizing their mistake too late. During the 20th century this number was small, but the advent of internet-based applications have seen this number skyrocket in recent years.
First-year Frank Black from Evanston, Illinois, explains “I was so excited to bike from my home to campus every day to avoid housing costs, but then I took another look at my acceptance letter and found out I had to spend $72k and move to Boston.”
When we asked St. Paul native Kim Deal when she realized she had applied to the wrong school, she looked curiously at the Prudential Tower as seen from Huntington Avenue and responded “This isn’t Chicago?”
President Aoun offered his remarks on this startling uptick in a speech this afternoon: “We are extraordinarily happy to welcome our new students from the midwest. Even if this is not the campus they pictured when they filled out their application, we are confident that they will be wonderfully successful here at North*cough*stern.” When asked if he will take any measures to prevent this confusion in the future, Aoun responded “Absolutely not! We need as many kids as we can get who aren’t from New fucking Jersey.”
“Due to the COVID-19 pandemic,” explained Aoun, “we will be unable to meet with Northwestern’s President Schapiro this year in a neutral location to exchange students in a one-for-one, prisoner-of-war type deal as we have in years past.”
“So you midwestern freaks are here to stay, ” he concluded, “hope you like chowder.”
