Boston, MA - Two days after First Year Bill Biscotti’s disappearance, his parents, Robert and Angela Biscotti, paid police $20 to call off all body searches for their son.
The following afternoon, the Biscottis held a 15-minute Zoom funeral, attended by Grandma Biscotti and Jack of Beanstalk, Bill’s random-pick roommate. Video cut out as Angela Biscotti chucked an empty casket into the Boston harbor.
Reports of a purple-skinned savage under Ell Hall have convinced Northeastern officials, however, that Bill Biscotti is still alive.
“Yeah, he’s definitely in the Underground Tunnels,” said a Curry janitor. “Every time I go down there, I see him. Long ankles, purple-bruised skin. Eleven toes, I think? I tried talking to him yesterday. He spit a couple whiskers on the floor, and ran away screaming, ‘RATS! JESUS! HOLY SPIRIT, FEED ME RATS!’ Good kid.”
Asked to comment, Angela Biscotti said, “We’re Italian. Not purple.”
Witnesses describe encounters with the purple savage as “arousing,” “poignant” and “downright disgusting.”
Anthropology professor Mr. Alabaster stated, “He was completely naked. On his cauliflower ears, he wore two Kigo cups as earrings. Plunged into each of his ten toes was a sharp, yellow rat’s tooth. He had gone full purple savage.”
Said another witness, Kaleb Krabs, “When I saw him, he was on the hunt. In his left hand, he had a blood-slick branch. He gripped it tightly, right about shoulder height. Then, there was a skitter at his feet. I saw him thrust the branch at a wild animal. A rat, maybe five feet long, not including the tail.”
A third witness, Lucy Arnaz-Balls, recalled, “He bit into a raw rat right in front of me. I told him to stop it, but he kept chewing at the skin. When he got to the organs, he took the rat’s intestines, and ripped them with his fingernail. Feces slipped out still wet, and he put the small end of the intestine up his nose, and snorted the rest with a groan.”
Responding to growing student fears, Northeastern officials ordered animal control to set up an electric fence around the Underground Tunnels.
“I’ll tell you, Bill’s past the point of no-return. He’s wild, savage. Right now, what we’re focused on is problem containment. When Bill Biscotti trips the sensor, the electric wiring will deliver a 12,000 V, full-body shock. WHA-BAM! That’s it,” said Joseph Lenin, Chief of Northeastern Police. Officials say the purple savage will be dead before the weekend. In the meantime, enjoy the new low in Northeastern’s rat population.
