MBTA to Add Steering to the Green Line

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In a recent statement from the MBTA, it was announced that the green line trolleys will soon be retrofitted with steering. This will allow for the operator to retain control of the vehicle in the event of a derailment, which the MBTA has stated is impossible to prevent according to an analysis they conducted last year. “Nothing we have done in the past few decades has succeeded in preventing derailments,” said MBTA spokesperson Juan Moorelane, “so we figured we should just give up and prepare for the inevitable.”

Steering will also help trolleys that run in mixed traffic on the E Branch between Heath Street and Brigham Circle because Boston drivers don’t know their fucking place. Moorelane stated that “The MBTA predicts that being able to avoid piece of shit drivers will reduce delays and improve reliability.” Soon enough, Trolleys will be able to weave through traffic when drivers are hogging the whole fucking road and not moving out of the goddamn way.

Adding steering is also the first step in a long term plan to eventually move the trolleys along the B, C, and E branches into the street, where they will run in the bus lanes. “This change will allow for one more lane for cars,” says Juan Moorelane, “which should fix all known traffic issues.” Moorelane then continued to rant about why this change would be better than investing in reliable public transit for an additional forty two minutes. “If we add one more lane of traffic, everyone on the T could just drive. And it doesn’t matter that some of them ride the T to save money because now that they won’t need to pay for expensive $2.40 fares, they will be able to afford gas. Being a real Bostonian isn’t about sitting on the T for half an hour; it’s about sitting in traffic for two!”

The MBTA also plans to convert all trolleys from electric to diesel, and the tracks will be paved over to make space for the new lane. “This extra lane will fix Boston’s many driving problems, just like the Big Dig did two decades ago,” concluded Moorelane.

The MBTA has stated that the new steering-capable trolleys should come out in early 2025, which, in MBTA time, translates to around 2030 if we’re lucky.


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