Boston, MA – On the morning of October 28th, members of the Northeastern Day Trading Club watched in horror as the world was rocked by the biggest stock market crash in nearly a month.
Since its founding earlier this fall, the club’s irresponsible, short-term market plays have reached bigger and bigger gains. Their investment thesis: “Stonks Only Go Up.” Now, for the first time in their several weeks of investment experience, stock charts were red. Reactions varied from shock to utter disbelief to suicide-inducing panic. This wasn’t supposed to happen – stonks were only supposed to go up!
Yours truly, the self-appointed Husky Husky market correspondent and heir apparent to Warren Buffet, attended the club’s emergency meeting Wednesday afternoon. Once they were done dumping their entire portfolios at a loss, we were able to reach out to a few members for interviews.
“This is the next Great Depression! Get out before you lose everything!” one member commented. [Editor’s note: The member was down 3%].
Another panicked investor told the Husky Husky, “They said this stocks thing was free money! What happened to ‘stonks only go up’?”
Some club members, like fearless leader Mernie Badoff, depended on their trades as a source of income. “How will I be able to afford booze now? I might have to… get a real job! I don’t even know how to do that!” said Badoff.
Several students were busy drafting a 1-star review for popular gambling trading app Robinhood. The review read, “App is broken. UI changed to this weird red color, and all my money disappeared from my account. Please fix!!!”
Other members of the club prayed for forgiveness at a makeshift altar decorated with photos of Elon Musk and Jerome Powell. Still more began selling all their possessions outside to make back some of the tuition money they had “invested” in TSLA calls.
Market futures point toward a partial recovery tomorrow, and by next week, this “Great Depression” will be forgotten. Nevertheless, at the rate the Day Trading Club is gambling away their life savings, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ruggles Dollah Lady ends up with some company.
