Oakland, CA—This week, Northeastern has announced the purchase of Mills College in Oakland, CA.
Mills College, an all-girls liberal arts school, became financially insolvent because alumni donations from women are only 78% of what men donate. Upon learning of the impending demise of Mills College, Northeastern promptly swooped in to purchase the institution and form a strategic partnership.
In place of the liberal-arts, all-girls school, Northeastern will turn the Mills College campus into the newly created Northeastern College of Mergers & Acquisitions.
Computer science majors on co-op in Silicon Valley were at first delighted by this news, but were disappointed upon finding out that “mergers and acquisitions” is not a euphemism for sex.
Emery Trahan, Interim Dean of DMSB, is excited about this new educational opportunity. “It will really help improve the financial acumen of our students. They will be able to learn about merging. And acquiring. And merging and acquiring. It’s pretty advanced stuff, really. Shame we’ll have to expel the women though. They wouldn’t get this sort of thing.”
George Overholser, Vice Chancellor for Strategic Planning and Growth, is in the process of developing an experiential learning program for students in the College of Mergers & Acquisitions. “In our pilot program for 2022, we hope to have each student acquire one college or university on behalf of Northeastern. Capstone courses will challenge students to purchase islands, municipalities, principalities, or small countries on behalf of NU. Extra credit if the land has oil!”
Northeastern moves one step closer towards its manifest destiny.
Article written by Publius
