The Depths of the NU Tunnels (The Husky Husky) - It’s that time of week month semester again, where the intrepid writers of the Husky Husky gather ‘round and answer all your questions to milk crowdsourced content to hit publishing deadlines so our Steast rations aren’t cut give back to our wonderful community. So, dear reader, join me and my guest host BA-NA-NA as we answer all your burning questions - because remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid freshmen!
u/leeroysama: “How does takeout from stwest work?”
BA-NA-NA: One meal swipe is 10 points. Different items cost different points. Snacks are 1 point, ramen is 3 points, drinks are 4 points. Keep up, nerd. Multiply by 6.5 then take the integral. If the denominator is less than 4, self-esteem is π points, inner peace is e points, and happiness is 0 points.
u/stupidashlynn: “WHERE IS STWEST??????????”
N.U.inmate: West of Stetson East, last I checked.
u/RainyDaysAreWet: “What to expect from a positive test?”
BA-NA-NA: You mean COVID? What happens when you get COVID? You die. Aoun hands you a shovel, and says, “You die.” He grabs you by the shoulders, mounts you by piggy-back, and steers you to Centennial. He makes you dig your own grave on the Centennial mound. 3 feet deep, 3 feet wide, 6 feet tall. If you’re over 6 feet, he revs up his chainsaw and cuts your legs off past the knees. Then, you jump inside your grave and die.
u/eeeeeeeeepp: “How to get into a Research lab as a freshman?”
N.U.inmate: Good question! I know getting into a research lab for the first time can be intimidating, but it’s easier than you think. Start by approaching your professor during office hours to chat about their research. While doing this, slowly move your hand seductively up their thigh while softening your tone and staring longingly into their eyes. Eventually, the prof will be so confused and turned on that they’ll never notice you discreetly snatching the key to their lab out of their pocket. How you extricate yourself from this situation is totally up to you and will depend largely on how attractive your professor is, but once this is complete, you’ll have complete access to a research lab, as a freshman.
If, however, you decide that this approach will more likely result in NUPD being called on you than success, try the windows - they are seldom locked, and if the lab you’re interested in is in Churchill or Mugar, there’s probably one pre-broken for you anyway!
u/Soft-Bee7650: “Can IT help fix my phone?”
BA-NA-NA: IT? IT the Clown? IT, like Pennywise? No, dum-dum. IT kills people. IT preys on the children of Derry, Maine every 27 years. IT crawls out of residential sewers on rainy days and assaults little boys in yellow raincoats. IT can not help fix your phone.
u/Soft-Bee7650: “Affordable places to get phone fixed?”
BA-NA-NA: El Jefe’s or Gyroscope.
u/Heavy-Fruit-1071: “What are some campus jobs for CS students?”
N.U.inmate: There are plenty of on-campus jobs for a well-qualified CS student! You could work for the NU cyber warfare department and DDoS the BU website until it’s as slow as the Student Hub. If that isn’t your cup of tea, you could work on updating Housing Online - this also counts toward an Archeology minor if you’re interested. Or you could just become a proctor, but then your unique and highly marketable Fundies 1 skills will go to waste.
u/Whereisthebeans: “Lost my NU ID in the snow, how do I get a new one asap?”
BA-NA-NA: Is your name Jacob Peters? NUID 002465793? I found it. Used up your meal swipes, guest passes, dining dollars, and laundry bucks for the Spring. Sucks we’re only three weeks into the semester. I left five bucks for printing, though. Not like you’re gonna get to use those. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
u/the-dtrain: “What do you do if resmail loses your package?”
BA-NA-NA: Sue. File a class-action lawsuit against Northeastern. I’ll join. I have friends—they’ll join, too. And make sure to do a slip-and-fall while the weather’s bad. IV-Ruggles and Krentzman are great places to fall. Get your friends and professors to slip and fall with you. We’ll combine the Resmail suit with a group of slip-and-fall cases, and effectively bankrupt the university.
u/ProfessionalBox999: “Anybody have any experience being a Presidential Ambassador for Northeastern? Considering applying for it and wondering if I can get some insight into what it is like.”
N.U.inmate: So you’re interested in serving our Wise Leader, Glorious Savior of Northeastern and Lord of All Geese, President Joseph “Daddy” Aoun? Excellent! This is the opportunity of a lifetime. The application is pretty straightforward: whichever applicant can slay the largest Fens goose and return it to the Alumni Relations office will be appointed Presidential Ambassador. This tribute can be substituted with a selfie in front of the building named after your father. As for the job itself, it’s the easiest thing you’ll ever do - you get to say good things about our Great Leader all day, every day, which is basically easier than breathing. In exchange for your efforts - should you need anything more than the gratification of your work - you’ll receive a $25 Steast gift card and a half-decent housing lottery number.
u/Heavy-Fruit-1071: “Does anyone have ‘clean’ roommates?”
BA-NA-NA: Used to. She bought an inflatable kiddie pool and slept in it. After our nightly prayers, she’d make me pour boiling water over her until she passed out. Her stuffed animal was a bar of soap that’d dissolve over the course of the night. God came into our dorm one night—I saw his shining feet—and told her: “You’re so clean, I’ll let you into Heaven early.” The next morning, her dead body was curled up in the kiddie pool like a raw shrimp.
Phew, that took far too much effort. Now that you’re a Presidential Ambassador to the Supreme President, unofficial research assistant, and Stwest connoisseur, you’re far too busy for more long answers. Without further ado, it’s Lightning Round time!
u/O07o5: “Can resmail check packages?”
BA-NA-NA: If you’re white, no. TSA rules.
u/Bubbly-Barracuda6450: “What cellphone carriers are you all on?”
N.U.inmate: I attach messages to the Fens geese. It’s totally free, with unlimited data and great reception, as long as the person you want to contact is in Canada.
u/OkSolution781: “What authority do my parents have at neu?”
N.U.inmate: Depends on which building they own.
u/Moi5tur1z3r: “Where can I get sweet potato fries near campus?”
BA-NA-NA: Curly’s Fries. Take the Orange Line down. Oak Grove I think? Connection to E67-JetBlue line. Shouldn’t be far. They’re in New Jersey.
u/rashasaclar: “all gender housing?”
N.U.inmate: Yes! Northeastern houses all genders, as long as they’re not N.U.in students.
u/buckbuck24: “How much do you pay for rent (Off campus)?”
N.U.inmate: Very little, but then again I currently live in Ruggles Station, so your mileage may vary.
u/umchileanyways: “Second OSCCR Violation What Will Happen??”
N.U.inmate: Believe it or not, jail. Straight away.
u/Win-Specific: “Is anyone else feling super nervous now?”
BA-NA-NA: Found my sixth nipple. Jesus Christ. Mommy said I’d only have five. I’m freaking out right now.
u/Wow_butwhendidiask: “Any idea of what’s happening by the Christian Science Center?”
N.U.inmate: Nobody really knows - all I’ll say is I’ve seen plenty of people go in but nobody ever come out.
u/Elonmustycuck: “Is everyone hotter this year, or is it the masks?”
N.U.inmate: Eh, probably just the masks. Unless you happened to run into one of our single and very available writers, in which case… who are we kidding, probably still the masks.
u/Rainbow-violist731: “Can you use guest swipes on yourself?”
N.U.inmate: I have never read something so depressing yet so relatable. No, probably not.
u/karameleon: “what’s your favorite place to shit on campus?”
N.U.inmate: Koi pond.
u/Strenuous1: “NU Pool?”
N.U.inmate: Koi pond.
u/Firm_Bowl8023: “Where to pay summer housing deposit?”
N.U.inmate: Venmo @NUinmate420
…and last but not least, Aamir Edition, because he insisted. You’re welcome.
u/aamirislam: “What is something that sucks?”
afrozone: The vacuum cleaner you constantly beg that one girl on your floor to let you use. Seriously, either buy your own, or learn to deal with the giant beer apple juice stain on your carpet.
u/aamirislam: “Do you plan to meet your soul mate at NU? Or have you done so already?”
BA-NA-NA: No mating. Running for Pope 2024.
Aaaaaand that’s a wrap. To quote Abraham Lincoln, “don’t be happy it’s over. Be sad that it happened.” Fear not, though: keep asking questions, and one day we’ll have no choice but to make a Part 3. Or I might write a real article. Who knows?