Trump Preemptively Hires New Horizons SGA Slate to Help Steal 2024 Election

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Trump poses for a photo with his new consultant, and gives us his signature "Macho Man" moves.

In the aftermath of the recent Northeastern SGA election, many community members were left confused, frustrated, or in the case of those with less than 500 karma in r/NEU, indifferent. But where some felt hopelessness, others saw opportunity, and not just for their resumes. 

One of these individuals was former President Donald Trump, who praised the New Horizons slate for their “genius” exploitation of undemocratic and archaic rules to overturn the SGA election results. Trump then doubled-down in his support by offering the two candidates top positions in his upcoming 2024 campaign, the highest paying co-op ever for an SGA student.

“Well everyone knows that Sleepy Joe Biden stole the 2020 election from me and the American people,” Trump opined in an interview.

 “But what many people aren’t talking about is how Mike Pence didn’t have the courage to do what should have been done, and throw out the fraudulent ballots. When I look at Rhea and Abigail, they’ve got courage, unlike Crooked Hillary and Crazy Nazi Pelosi, and that’s why I’m bringing them on.”

Trump went on to draw comparisons between the forces up against him and those that conspired to defeat New Horizons in the name of “student voice” and “democracy.”

“The lying media tried to say that I was doing an insurrection, just like the lying Hunt News and posters on Reddit like to say that New Horizons didn’t want to accept the results. But when you look at the data, Jorio-Chavez was doing the same thing as Sleepy Joe, rigging the election by convincing people to vote for them, making promises to students, bribing Aoun by giving him a bubble bath. We can’t have that, we just can’t have that.”

“Maybe if I had New Horizons on my team last year, we could have #STOPPEDTHESTEAL. I mean Jorio-Chavez, JC, what does that sound like? Joe and Kamala, that’s right folks.”

Many student organizations also voiced protest at the election results, vowing to boycott the SGA until the illegitimate leadership stepped down. The cabinet dismissed these threats in a press release, stating “why would we have done this if student input and collaboration was a thing we cared about?”

When reached for comment, the New Horizons slate denounced Husky Husky correspondents as “fake news,” and were later spotted hurrying out of SGA headquarters with a tangerine glow.


Trump's new Twitter
2 years ago

This is the best article. I have a lot of friends that write articles, believe me, and they all say Donald, how do you write such good articles. Great articles. Bigly articles.

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