Boston, MA-It’s a tale as old as time: “Eat your vegetables and you’ll grow up big and strong!” Maybe our versions differ in the amounts of kicking and screaming, but it’s the same story regardless. Always some cunning lie to stop us from flinging our Zoopals plate across the kitchen. Of all the vegetables on the plate, there was always one that was particularly egregious.
Broccoli, peas, brussel sprouts, those greens are all passable. But celery? It’s stringy, smells like death, and flavored like rainwater with a crisp sudsy aftertaste. How anyone finds joy in this excuse for a vegetable is beyond me. But all hope is not lost. You see, as I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered an unexplored use for this leafed fiend. A feature everyone should know and cherish.
It makes a mighty fine lover.
Hear me out. While celery may be the scourge of our dinner plates, it can be the new star of your fantasies. Here’s why:
1. It's conveniently shaped
- Tubular and hollow, yes please.
2. It's green
- Biodegradable, so no need to worry about crispy socks any more!
3. It's portable
- Just tell people it’s a snack for later. It’s technically true! We are not responsible, however, for any social consequences of claiming such.
4. You don't need a condom
- No womb to speak of!
5. It releases pent up anger
- All that veggie hatred channeled into a stringy hate-fuck.
6. It holds everything!
7. You can add whatever condiments you want
- Peanut butter, ranch, mayo. This celery is your oyster. If you’re feeling especially spicy, go with some sriracha.
8. Celery sucks ass
- Fuck celery
9. Vegans will love you
- 6/9 vegans agree
10. It’s good for weight loss
- You know how it burns calories when you eat it, well it’s the same way when you beat it up.
You don’t have to be a dietician to know that veggies are good for you. And after reading this, you know just how right they are. I cannot tell you how to wield your new knowledge, only that you’ve been armed with an immense power. Go forth and ravage celery.