To My Dear Ordering MD

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Dear Ordering MD, 

It only took four words for you to steal my heart. Four measly words. 

You have results waiting.

From that moment I received that first email, I was hooked. 

Every three days, I awaited the results, sometimes refreshing the patient portal for hours on end, just to see your blessed name. If the daily robot-proofing became too much, I would even schedule my test early. You were my idol, my sunshine, and my only reason to face the cruel realities of experiential learning. 

I never properly thanked you for all of it. Taking the time out of your schedule to personally draft an email informing that I was COVID negative—admirable. Assigning me a unique requisition number so my result could be properly filed—don’t even get me started. I get hot under the collar just thinking about it. Reporting methods and limitations so immaculately— you would think I’m COVID positive, because it took my breath away.

Sometimes you would leave me on read, and my heart would ache in those lapses, but you would always come back. Don’t tell me that you didn’t feel it too. I could feel your untethered desire even through that antiquated patient portal. 

I nearly shattered during winter break knowing that it would be months before I would hear from you again. But after an eon of wondering and heart throb, it finally appeared again. 

You have results waiting.

Alas, imagine my pain when I find a different ordering MD in my lab results.  

Did those months of analyzing my snot mean nothing to you? How can you drop me without so much as a second thought? Where did it all go wrong? 

I can’t believe I was so foolish. Please let me make this right. I’ll supply all the samples you need for your testing, just please, come back to me. Just one more time. 

Most faithfully yours, 

Kneel Bones


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