Boston- In a stunning turn of events, Northeastern’s Students for Justice in Palestine has announced its dissolution Tuesday morning, following the Galactic Federation’s decree that West Bank settlements are totally legit.
“It is our grave duty to announce that our movement, to put it bluntly, has failed,” the group put out in a statement. “The existence of an outside arbiter strong-arming us into accepting illegal settlements is a total game changer we haven’t faced before, and thus there is no reason for further action.”
The move comes in the wake of an announcement from Haim Eshed, former head of the Israeli Extraterrestrial Sorcery department, that extraterrestrials exist, have been in contact with the United States and Israel for years, and have given their blessing to the West Bank settlements.
The last time we communicated, they didn’t say much, and I wasn’t really able to understand what they were saying,” admitted Eshed. “Actually, I couldn’t understand any of their language, but when their eyes glowed and the room shook with fury, I took that as a tacit endorsement.
“We knew for years that the settlements had to happen, but we figured it would be good to sit on the rationale for a while. But after a little bit, people were starting to get the wrong idea that maybe they weren’t justified. Rest assured. The Federation said it’s chill.”
The SJP’s dissolution comes as a shocking conclusion to a month of vigorous campus debate (i.e. shitposts on Wild Confessions) on the subject. The Husky Husky reached out to one representative of the SJP, a Palestinian native who wished to go nameless, lest she invoke the wrath of the Galactic Federation. She voiced dismay at SJP disbanding, but expressed the futility of its goals.
“There’s really no place to go from here. What are we supposed to do, Boycott, Divest, and Sanction the entire Galactic federation? Resisting the will of the entire political establishment of the United States was one thing, but we dare not move against representative Gunray [of the Federation]. I’d rather live under an apartheid state than an apartheid intergalactic empire.”
When reached for comment, the Northeastern Students for Israel expressed their satisfaction with the ruling.
“After decades of the being told settlements violated the Geneva conventions and international law, we are happy to have the approval of a body that doesn’t subscribe to the puny laws and morals of mere mortals,” said the group representative. “Furthermore, we hope the Galactic Federation will provide the ‘only democracy in the Middle East’ with some well needed space nukes.
“We’ve certainly been lacking those.”
At press time, the Federation had issued a second statement, declaring its support for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s leadership from now until the end of time.
