Politicians love war, maybe even more than they love themselves. Politicians get so war-horny that when they can’t invent a reason to declare one abroad (ahem, Iraq), they wage them at home, to massive success. Case in point: the War on Drugs.
So seeing as the Biden administration is unable to invade Iraq again—ground invasions would not pass the CDC’s social distancing guidelines—it’s time that Joe declares war on America’s most dire threat: geese
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, America has felt like a real shit hole lately. Our goose problem isn’t helping. Each year, geese produce a staggering amount of poop: enough to fill 26,455,804 Olympic size swimming pools. That's more shit than floods my Northeastern inbox every day.
The goose situation is beak. I mean bleak. I’m shocked most people don’t realize that at any moment a motivated group of geese could grab you with their weird rubber feet, fly thousands of feet into the air, and drop you to your death.
Granted, that’s unlikely. But it could fucking happen. And you’ve always known that too.
Some realities are just easier to ignore.
But if you hadn’t considered that very real possibility, you’re welcome. Keep it in the back of your mind during your next stroll through the Fens.
So Biden, what's the hold up? If you thought Trump was an existential threat to American values and society, I’d implore you to take a long look at the turbo-shitting daemons that have stalked our nation since its founding.
Goose Elimination Kills Two Birds with One Stone
With complete control of the House, Senate and Presidency, the Dems have a golden opportunity to p̶a̶s̶s̶ l̶a̶n̶d̶m̶a̶r̶k̶ c̶l̶i̶m̶a̶t̶e̶ l̶e̶g̶i̶s̶l̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶, r̶e̶p̶a̶i̶r̶ A̶m̶e̶r̶i̶c̶a̶’s̶ d̶a̶m̶a̶g̶e̶d̶ r̶e̶p̶u̶t̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ a̶b̶r̶o̶a̶d̶, a̶n̶d̶ d̶e̶f̶e̶a̶t̶ C̶O̶V̶I̶D̶-̶1̶9̶ do what I say and purge the geese.
Luckily, exterminating America’s geese accomplishes all of Biden’s major policy objectives AND makes me happy.
Keeping Americans Safe: Slaughtering the nation’s geese will keep the country safe from a terrifying mob, lingering in the background of society, whose actions threaten the very foundations of democracy. Sure, there might be a group of fascists too. But geese are worse than fascists. At least fascists can't fly.
Fighting Climate Change: Goose shit generates more greenhouse gasses than transportation, agriculture, energy production, and the fashion industry combined. Do you really want your grandchildren to live with a dystopic climate AND geese? One crisis is more than enough.
Ending the COVID-19 Pandemic: Alright, you got me. I’ve no clue how killing geese will end the pandemic. At least it’ll pass the time while we wait for the vaccine?
Repairing Political Culture: At some point in their lives, all Americans experience the same horrifying feeling of stepping in goose shit. Addressing this shared trauma will unite us as a people and usher in the Roaring Twenties, part two.
Strengthening our Foreign Policy: I mean, these are CANDIAN geese, right?
Making Me Happy For Once: This is perhaps the most important of Biden’s policy objectives. I, as a knower of all things and a person with enough free time to write articles like this, have the right to make policymakers cater to my every whim.
So mark my words, if there’s still a living goose on U.S soil by January 21st 2024, the Biden administration will have cooked the goose.