It was supposed to be ours. This was the summer that me and the boys would finally turn everything around. No more plaid shirts, nascar tailgates, or alt-right drivel. We would be out here treating women with respect and doing better. But no. Not even us white boys can have anything nice these days.
In the months following Chet Hank’s official declaration of White Boy Summer, our earnest movement has been sullied. No, it wasn’t the collection of abuse lawsuits against Chet or the Nazi posters showing up in podunk Rhode Island towns.
It was those damn gamers.
Y’all dudes acting like you’re the most oppressed people in our society makes me sick. If anything, this summer has proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that white boys are the neglected ones. While I may not be a white boy myself (because white is a state of mind) I know firsthand the reckoning you gamers bring.
I was only 10 when a disembodied voice on Xbox Live told me he was railing my mom. After confirming that my mom was not in fact in his bed (she was safe and sound making me a ham sammy), I had already lost the CoD deathmatch. It was devastating. I swore in my heart to never forgive gamers.
As the years went on, the gamers only grew stronger. 2016: Gamergate. 2019: The Joker. And now, the godforsaken cherry on top, 2021: The Death of White Boy Summer.
Why? Why did you do it? Were the big titty anime vtubers not enough to appease you? Did the Steam Summer Sale not glut your library? You could have had everything you wanted in those dank basements of yours, but no. You had to take this from us too.
Whenever I walk around my block in my White Boy Summer muscle tee (thank you, based Chet Hanks), my white brothers are supposed to be dapping me up at every turn. Instead, all my homeboys are inside jacking off to the new Zelda trailer. Late night beer chugging and motor boating queens has been replaced by Twitch.tv hot tub streams and League of Legends.
Don’t you fuckers celebrate just yet. This summer is far from over. White boys will rise again. No wait. Not like th-
At time of publication. Kneel Bones could not be reached for comment. His final wish was to remember him for the WBS advocate he was.