Boston, MA: Last semester, Northeastern Lutheran-Episcopal Ministries advertised “study breaks” for Christian students and faculty to worship, pray, and reach out to neighbors on campus.
However, in a shocking turn of events, a new NUPD report reveals the “study breaks” were in fact “God-sized genocidal scams.”
Responding to school-wide horror and 17 cases of dead disciples in food lockers, the Northeastern Lutheran-Episcopal Ministries shut down last Friday.
This week, students began speaking out about their “study break” experiences.
Third-year Rama Alabama remembers, “I get to the food lockers around 3:30 PM. Pitch dark—you know Boston—owls hooting. I get to the lockers, punch in my code. The locker door swings open—I was expecting flatbread pizza—and a naked woman falls in my arms. She’s got a big cross cut into her chest, no pulse. Nipple piercings too—baby Jesus dangling from the right, Moses on the left. So I have a dead body in my hands, and now I’m screaming—JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, right?—something holy. Absolutely terrifying.”
Second-year Jimmy Bond says, “They really get to you in the ads. Study break. Come on, it’s finals season. They know you just can’t resist. You sign up, they send a text from 58-008: COME TO ISEC. You cross the ISEC bridge—BAM, you’re out. One of the hockey boys slaps you with his stick, and now you’re blacked out with chlamydia.”
After luring students to ISEC, the Lutheran-Episcopal Ministry knocked out its disciples, and waited for them to recover.
First-year Mary Toes explains, “When I came to, I was naked. Donkey-style on the bridge. A pastor walked over, shook my hand, and said, “Ma’am, you look good.” He picked me up, took two massive steps, and leveled my body with one of the rust panels on the bridge. I yelped, “AMAZING GRACE!” Then, he brought me down, and sliced my chest on the panel. Blood sprayed across the bridge. Flipping me on the side, the pastor sliced my chest again, and completed the cross.”
The initiation infected disciples with severe tetanus. Within minutes, students experienced lockjaw, and began to convulse. Their backs arched, and their abdominal muscles went rigid. In this weakened state, the Lutheran-Episcopal Ministry gagged the disciples, and tied them to the outside of the ISEC bridge, facing the T tracks.
Fourth-year Abraham Zacharias Lazarus recalls, “Naked up there, you feel the commuter rail going into you. The pastor screams your name from behind, tells you to pray to Jesus—plus his sister, Jessica. DEAR JESUS, you cry, DEAR JESSICA. Please deliver me from my tetanus. You vomit from exhaustion, and the pastor cries, “DRINK, CHILD!” And you drink your vomit like a dog, and are saved from tetanus in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Except, as the new NUPD report reveals, Northeastern Lutheran-Episcopal disciples are never saved. Of the 70 students and professors who participated in the “study breaks,” only five survived, bearing extensive physical and psychological trauma.