Boston, MA - When Student Senator Todd Johnson was told that his “Less Bad Things and Also Racism is Bad” bill hadn’t passed the Senate he was dumbstruck. The bill, carefully calculated to show everyone how good of a guy he was, had support from every senator who had bothered to form a quorum.
Unfortunately, Senator Johnson’s 5 hour rambling, self-aggrandizing, and often repetitive speech had done the one thing needed to stop the proposal from being passed:
Senator Johnson had inadvertently filibustered his own bill.
“It’s the third time this week,” said Senator Tina Chen. “We haven’t gotten a bill passed in the last 10 months because people keep on filibustering their own legislation. The second a Senator gets up to talk, they forget how to stop talking. Before Covid, we could physically restrain them, but with Zoom, we have to wait for them to pause before we can interrupt.”
The Senate, which meets to propose and vote on bills regarding student life, attempted to solve the problem by introducing a bill last Saturday. Unfortunately, the “Stop Filibustering and also Lower Tuition Somehow” bill was filibustered by its own sponsor, Senator David Marks.
“I just wanted people to know I’m a great guy,” Said Senator Marks. “I made a statement or two about the bill, made a transformative and unprecedented point about how tuition is expensive, and then proceeded to explain how much I loved The Black Panther. You know - because I’m not a bigot. I never expected that would stop the bill from getting passed.”
The news, however, is not entirely grim. Although the Student Senate has passed no legislation for almost a year - this change of events has had 0 effects on the actual lives of students on campus.