Boston, MA – In its efforts to create a safer campus amid the COVID-19 pandemic, Northeastern has paved over several areas on campus. So far, the Willis volleyball court, the Science Quad, and the Cabot Quad have all fallen victim to the bulldozer to make space for testing and dining tents. (Hopefully testing and dining aren’t in the same tent…)
Students were sad to see their campus, once an arboretum, reduced to a pavement pancake. To avoid paving over Centennial and the other remaining green areas on campus, Northeastern administrators have instead decided to bulldoze some buildings on Commonwealth Ave. Turns out those buildings were what BU considered its “campus,” so they paved over BU. It is now a flat concrete slab, which is honestly quite an improvement.
As a result, Northeastern Facilities has been given the keys to the city. “They have done the city of Boston a tremendous service,” said Mayor Marty Walsh. “BU’s pathetic excuse for a campus was a scourge to this city. Bunker Hill Community College is an eye sore, but at least it got us in Good Will Hunting! BU was worthless. I’m glad Northeastern’s paving crew has freed Kenmore from its clutches.”
Amid rampant speculation, Northeastern has announced what it will do with this new space. In an effort to reduce the spread of the virus, Northeastern plans to build a giant stage on the Commonwealth concrete where students who test positive for COVID-19 will be sent to be publicly shamed. They will be given shirts that say “I love SAIL” and hats that say “CAMD Student,” and they will be paraded about on the giant stage for humiliation while fellow students snap photos and nearby Masshole drivers taunt them by honking their horns while blasting Nickelback music out the car window. This should be a strong deterrent against breaking social distancing protocols.
After the pandemic is over, it is rumored that ISEC 4, Matthews Arena 2, Lightview 3, and the set of Toy Story 5 will occupy the space. The tunnels will be expanded underneath the Fens to connect the colony to its mother campus.
When asked about bulldozing BU, Aoun had a short but powerful message. “Wentworth, you’re next.”
