Boston, MA - Earlier this week, Northeastern made a surprise purchase from the city of Boston. President Aoun and his clan of inner-city gentrifiers bought the rights to tunnel under Huntington Avenue. Unfortunately, this demolishes any remaining hope of the city improving the Green Line and actually putting the T underground like a normal subway so it doesn’t have to wait for traffic at stoplights and be casually passed by Tour de France wannabes.
After hearing noise complaints regarding the construction of ISEC 2 from students living near Columbus Avenue, Aoun believed the students on the west side of campus felt left out of the city campus experience.
“We’ve had quite a few complaints from students living in International Village and on Columbus, so I wanted to ensure there was an equal clusterfuck of noises happening on both sides of campus,” said Aoun, “and these new tunnels won’t look like your high school hallways either. These tunnels will be #covidproof. I’m writing a book about them too.”
To clarify the President’s statements, campus Narc-in-Chief Madeleine Estabrook followed, “the tunnels will be a vast twenty feet wide, so we still expect students to appropriately social distance.”
However, It is also our understanding that the queue of students preparing to use the tunnels will be waiting in a pre-existing five-foot-wide hallway. One that does not satisfy university social distancing requirements.
“Some things you just can’t control,” continued Estabrook as she stood in a crowd of about 300 students outside of Cabot waiting to take her 3rd COVID test of the day. “But students who fail to follow our social distancing requirements in the new tunnels and around campus will promptly be suspended and dismissed from their housing. Yes, even off-campus students.”
Northeastern recently struck a deal with the mayor of Boston giving the university supreme power and the ability to banish whomever they please from city limits for not following university COVID guidelines.
“If a student even looks in the direction of another student while in the new tunnels, I can assure you they will be sleeping in a box on Mass Ave by the end of the week,” she finished.
