New Covid Guidelines Allow Students to Leave for Food, Classes, and Clubs Only if They Really Want to

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Pictured: Artists Depiction of New Coronavirus Policy. Credit: Steel

Boston, MA - With the omicron variant spreading like the plague and wellness housing more difficult to get than a Rapid Antigen Test, the Senior Vice Chancellor for student affairs has recently sent an email outlining the rules for self-isolations in our dorms. In unrelated news, the administration informed us that there is a good chance the entire freshman class has tested positive or been exposed to Covid this week and must quarantine in their dorms immediately and not leave unless it is an approved exception.

Anyone showing symptoms or who is a close contact with a case must remain in their overpriced room with the rats to keep them company except for getting food or going to class, booty calls if certain criteria are met, mortal combat with the Fens Geese, and anything else that is not a party in the Mission Hill neighborhood. The Booty Call Exemption, granted your combined SAT Score is at least 2800, allows for tinder/grinder dates as well as booty calls in general, BDSM dungeons, and whatever ungodly things engineering majors do.

“All freshmen have been exposed to the Coronavirus and must quarantine immediately,” said supreme leader Aoun in his announcement. “Some of you may die but it is a risk I'm willing to take! Long live the #NUexperience!”

The news was welcomed eagerly in Mission Hill where cheers, celebrations, and bells from that really large church could even be heard from Centennial Quad.

NUin students who recently moved into the Boston campus were last seen trying to organize large orgies to exploit a loophole in the Booty Call exemption. When questioned about hosting such large, intimate events during a COVID surge, or why they were so insistent on getting at least nine participants when the SAT gives you 400 points just for showing up, they just stared at us blankly. Thank god they won’t be going to the Hill any time soon.


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