An industry standard in the world of higher education, Northeastern stands as one of the nation’s most esteemed universities. However, with its ever-increasing prestige comes allegations that our beloved institution has been “gaming the rankings” and using questionable tactics to boost its reputation. Programs such as NUin have come under particular fire for their obvious manipulation of acceptance rate statistics (or so we’ve heard), and we here at the Husky Husky refuse to sit idly by and let the slander of these world class experiences go unchecked.
Thus, we have taken it upon ourselves to investigate these scandalous claims through a deep dive into the NUin Program. Is it truly fraudulent? Does it only exist to further Northeastern’s ranking conquests? On site and undercover at the NUin partner location of NCH London, we got to work.
We wanted to begin our investigation with as little bias as possible, so in accordance with our high standard of journalism, we sent out reporters who had no fucking idea what “gaming the system” meant. They were given simple instructions: identify and report any instances of gaming happening within the program.
They began by questioning students about their gaming habits, or if they had happened to notice any gaming going on around them. Is the faculty gaming? Are the students gaming? When and where is said gaming occurring? Through a meticulous infiltration of the student body, our reporters gained intel on the situation and came to a shocking conclusion. Not only was gaming happening; it was everywhere.
David, 18. A freshman at Northeastern, he explained his gaming to us from his dorm room in Chapter Spitalfields.
“Yeah I sort of just like to blow off some steam at the end of the day,” he told us as he walked us through his Minecraft world.
“I’ve got a sheep farm right here. I’m building a house over there, but I don’t have enough birch logs to finish it yet.”
John, 19, freshman. Also admitted to regularly gaming in his spare time.
“I usually play CS:GO. I’m pretty good at it too. My reflexes? Impeccable. My aim? Immaculate. I’m laser focused man, you can’t fucking stop me”.
Countless other students also confessed to gaming, but when questioned further on the matter, they froze up. Clearly indoctrinated by the system, the previously amicable David began to play dumb.
“I dunno man!” David said nervously as we began to press him. Our reporters asked a series of focused questions about the U.S. News and World Report College Rankings, admissions scandals, and their relationships with President Aoun. We had found the perpetrators, and yet they wouldn’t confess to their crime. Frustrated with their lack of compliance, we bugged their rooms and flew our guys back to Boston.
Our worldview has been shaken. We now see that the Northeastern administration has been pulling the wool over our eyes this entire time. Stay tuned to The Husky Husky as we continue to investigate this, and remember - don’t trust The Huntington News. Aoun’s got them in his pocket.
The last free source of news on campus, signing off.
