Welcome to the live blog! The Husky Husky staff will be watching the reopening town hall along with you and regalling you with our spicy summarization. Don’t fear, we pride ourselves on accurate and sexy takes, describing the bathrooms and sex dungeons the administration are hanging out in, and debating how many days will go by before a Frat throws a Corona party! We have finished updating it, so you don’t need to worry about performing arduous tasks such as: refreshing the page, causing the page to refresh, or closing and reopening the page.
Kneel Bones @ 12:01: Let’s get this started. Very excited to forget a new set of titles!
Splinter @ 12:02: Our Scottish man, Ken, is back with a new and improved background. Check out those pillows!
Splinter @ 12:04: Renovated campuses. Will ISEC 2 be constructed? Has Dodge been renovated?
Gamer-Bot @ 12:05: Scotsman confirms that we will again be testing how many students can fit into an elevator, speculators guess around 30 might be possible.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:07: Admin admits that that they are just echoing the same meaningless platitudes.
Kneel Bones @ 12:07: Northeastern confirms this is all about coming to school.
Splinter @ 12:07: Hunger Games initiated! Night and day, it’s a fight to the death.
Kneel Bones @12:08: Timely implementation of the robust move-in plan to be explained the weekend before move-in.
Splinter @ 12:09: Northeastern dropping reassuring language, while shying away from definite deadlines.
Splinter @ 12:09: Unlike popular belief, food will be available to students. A select few lucky students can sit under tents.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:11: Northeastern staff confirms constant testing for STDs, CS majors are confused about this time-waster.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:13: NUflex replacing OLDflex, a much better but less profitable method of keeping us safe.
Kneel Bones @ 12:14: NUflex really just a new way for Northeastern to monopolize phrases including synchronous and flexible.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:14: Administration confirms that International Students are very important. We already knew this, as they all pay full price tuition.
Splinter @ 12:15: Northeastern continues to overuse titles.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:15: When asked if Northeastern will supply sanitary wipes, admin goes on a 10-min spiel about how they will have a designated location to “pick up one wipe”.
Splinter @ 12:16: The cleaning crew has become imprisoned on Northeastern’s campus.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:18: “I will go into detail now on NUflex: … … … Any questions?”
Splinter @ 12:19: Class schedules will feature the only times you are able to attend class. Freshmen will now be even more confused.
Kneel Bones @ 12:19: NUflex to use a complex algorithm to determine when students should go to class. Same algorithm predicts rampant non-compliance.
Splinter @ 12:21: Students will be allowed to speak during class. N.U.in still remains silent.
Splinter @ 12:23: Northeastern will be providing free childcare in the tunnels. The children will never be found again.
Kneel Bones @ 12:24: Northeastern advises students to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice as soon as on campus.
Splinter @ 12:26: Ken Henderson models new mandatory lanyards that will be available to students for the cheap price of $69.69.
Kneel Bones @ 12:28: Students are advised to use imagination to fill gaps in schedule.
Splinter @ 12:30: Ken Henderson elaborates on punishment for anti-maskers.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:31: Northeastern to hold themselves to “standards.” This revolutionary idea shocked us to the core.
Kneel Bones @ 12:34: Compliance to be enforced through community. That is to say, there will be no enforcement.
Splinter @ 12:34: Northeastern to ‘adjust behavior’ through whipping and showing Bernie Sanders propaganda. Ben & Jerry’s endorse this message.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:35: Admin staff finally admits that “we don’t think.”
Splinter @ 12:37: Northeastern suggests that college students take care of themselves.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:37: Northeastern admin says: “We will be living with this virus in the Fall and in the future.” We believe they might not understand that it can kill people.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:38: Northeastern suggests students shouldn’t procrastinate in terms of socially distancing themselves. Obviously they haven’t paid attention to procrastination in the classes no one showed up to in the first place.
Kneel Bones @ 12:38: Entire town hall meeting revealed to be pro-mask propaganda ruse.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:39: The “new normal” will be staying in your room and avoiding others. Computer Science and Engineering majors call this: “normal.”
Gamer-Bot @ 12:41: Apparently the majority of Northeastern students (80% give or take) want to come back to campus. I knew we weren’t great, but only 20% of our peers being reasonable is a new low.
Splinter @ 12:42: NUpurge will be initiated to decrease student population in adherence to CDC guidelines.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:44: Total people in Snell library at any given time is expected to be more in line with normal libraries, that is to say, totally empty.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:45: Northeastern staff deluded themselves into thinking that students will be willing to obey directional signage.
Splinter @ 12:45: Snell will now offer a lottery system to obtain highly sought after tables. Masks to hide the tears of students will be required.
Splinter @ 12:46: Marino will now feature a ‘Halo.’ Aoun is expected to make a permanent appearance in an angel costume.
Kneel Bones @ 12:47: Northeastern breaks sacred rule and mentions Reddit by name out loud.
Kneel Bones @ 12:47: Squash Busters and Marino will be open at reduced capacity with a focus on single player games. Game design majors rejoice.
Splinter @ 12:50: Northeastern encourages students to ask their advisors more questions. Advisors have begun to assemble a strike.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:50: Northeastern demonstrates the new NUoutside program that involved fine dining outside in the rain with hole-filled tarps held 3 inches over your head.
Splinter @ 12:51: Northeastern to keep one dining hall open for dine-in dining in order to have a native COVID-19 incubation site.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:52: Northeastern admin has been dropped from the call mid-sentence. We speculate it’s because Microsoft Teams couldn’t handle all 10 of the people watching this livestream, even though they were just us three and 7 of our slaves.
Splinter @ 12:55: Ken Henderson flexes his chemistry background while dishing out the details about the new ventilation. Now Hastings won’t smell like weed anymore.
Kneel Bones @ 12:57: Northeastern to spend more on high-end ventilation systems than the entire Holmes Hall complex.
Gamer-Bot @ 12:58: Northeastern to follow guidelines by the CDC, other governmental health agencies, and InfoWars
Splinter @ 12:59: Ken Henderson flexes pillows. Northeastern admin fights over whether they are still available for purchase.
Gamer-Bot @ 1:01: Ken Henderson threatens students with bodily harm if they don’t have a great day.
The Husky Husky’s Closing Thots:
- The biggest takeaway was that we need to buy more Northeastern branded pillows.
- The only point that hasn’t changed is that everything is subject to change.
- Husky Husky realizes that being overweight can cause increased Corona risk, we are transitioning to become the Average Husky.
- Husky Husky spends more time coming up with closing thoughts than Northeastern did trying to plan the town hall.
If you want to read the resources they mentioned in the live update, here are a few:
https://news.northeastern.edu/2020/07/26/northeasterns-coronavirus-testing-your-questions-answered/
https://news.northeastern.edu/coronavirus/reopening/frequently-asked-questions/#testing-plan
https://news.northeastern.edu/coronavirus/
If you want to click on a link but would rather just watch a funny niche youtube video than look at actual information here is an alternative option.
