Boston, MA – Recently there was a discussion among Husky Husky staffers about the gullible toddlers that think accepting an offer to be an N.U.in student is a good thing. Especially in the current situation, it is a downright awful idea, as you have to be relegated to the most humiliating option possible: N.U.in Boston. Imagine that—consuming the same trash that passes for food in Northeastern dining halls along with actually qualified students while being physically segregated from quality courses as you live in your hovel of a hotel.
The experience is objectively inferior to that of a real Northeastern student in every way. However, while everyone was innocently trashing on N.U.in Boston students, some student named John Smith (probably an N.U.in student himself) pointed out that we are discriminating against those students, and that perhaps we should refrain from completely destroying any last shred of dignity that they might have left. Can you believe the nerve of him?!? While Mr. Smith is right that we call the N.U.in Boston students the imbeciles that they are for paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for a subpar uninformative experience, that doesn’t mean we don’t do that for other Northeastern students!
The mere fact that Mr. Smith dared to suggest that we are degrading the human pieces of garbage that are N.U.in Boston students is blasphemy and hate speech, so we started a petition to remove him and all 0 other supporters of N.U.in Boston students. When we stopped a Northeastern student on the way to class to ask them what they thought, they said: “I’ve never heard of John Smith, but anyone who disagrees with my objective unbiased view that N.U.in Boston students are sub-human deserves to lose their job, get expelled, and die. Of course I support canceling him!”
It seems like Mr. Smith is of the opinion that our writing team should have nuanced views and accept differing opinions. “That’s obviously utter garbage. Why should we have any responsibility not to be discriminatory?” an editor stated. Mr. Smith responded that we imply N.U.in Boston students take easy courses, won’t go abroad, and have significantly reduced mental capacities, which is harmful to them.
Obviously these are just facts. They have the money to afford it and they chose to do it, so it’s fair game to make fun of them. It is clearly obvious that these N.U.in Boston students can’t even begin to complain, as we Northeastern students have to take actual courses, and their professors are essentially just glorified babysitters.
Mr. Smith said “Even if the N.U.in Boston students chose to attend Northeastern instead of just not attending college due to their lack of mental abilities, that doesn’t give us a pass to harass them.” This caused an uproar, as we obviously can’t abide by this as the idea. If we did, that would ruin half our content and destroy future opportunities to bond with other NU students over the misfortune of others.
As a result, we did the only reasonable thing: we hurled stones at him. When those stones hit our computer screens instead of his face, we decided to abduct him from his house instead. After abducting him, we avoided the police searching for us by hiking into the no man’s land that is New Jersey, where we tied him to a cross and set him ablaze. As he pleaded for his freedom, we sat smugly on the sidelines, knowing that we need to be a safe space where everyone can freely voice opinions, and his points contradicted ours and that’s not acceptable for such a space.