Boston, MA – Just like our football program since 2009, all Northeastern fall sports teams will go undefeated this season.
Athletic Director Jeff Konya announced in a press release today that fall sports will be postponed until spring 2021. But, as the country isn’t going to last that long, fall sports are effectively canceled outright, meaning no Husky team will lose a single game ever again.
Student-athletes celebrated over Zoom by popping bottles of bubbly liquid that OSCCR can’t technically prove is champagne, as tape covering the labels with the text “Not Champagne” clearly shows that it isn’t.
“I’m so proud of what we’ve accomplished,” said men’s soccer captain Diego Garcia. “Not losing a single game—that’s the stuff you dream of as a kid. I’m so proud to be part of this historic team.”
“We’re going to Disney World!” yelled one of Diego’s teammates as he stuffed a hazmat suit and an N-95 respirator mask into his suitcase.
No one seemed happier than the women’s field hockey team. “Yeah, not losing and all is great. But I’m really excited not to have to drive 30 minutes to Dedham Field every day. Even when we won games, that commute was a loss. Oh, and I guess it’ll be nice not having to play a sport where you run around in skirts stooped over with little sticks like a cross-dressed Quasimodo playing golf and stopping every 30 seconds because the ref blows a whistle over a rule that may or may not even exist,” said fourth-year goalie Maddie Walton.
Sofia Jones, a second-year forward on the women’s soccer team, is excited to be able to study more. “It’ll be nice to have more time to devote to my studies and experiential learning.”
Dora Davis, a third-year outside hitter on the volleyball team, is excited to be able to study less. “Without a season, I won’t have to study the NCAA-mandated five hours per week! It’ll be nice to have more time to devote to drinking and partying.”
The newly recognized varsity E-Sports Team released a heartfelt statement in wake of the news. “We are saddened to learn of the cancellation of sportsball. Especially since we just learned of the existence of sportsball.” P1atinumb, (real name John Gordon), captain of the E-Sports Team, is hoping this will provide a new audience for E-Sports. “This whole social distancing thing, which we basically invented years ago, is a big bummer for traditional sports. But we hope the void left by cancelled sports (especially the one that’s like Rocket League, but in real life and without cars) will help us get a larger audience. Maybe we’ll even get a girl to watch!”
A survey of all Northeastern student-athletes showed that the best part of cancelling sports is not being forced to wear any apparel that says “Howlin’ Huskies.”
